everythingisntgoingright


sothiswillbetheendforgoodihavehadenoughofyoutheresonlyhowmuc
hicanputuphowmuchicandoandimfullyutilizedbrutilizedallthesewhil
eithoughtwhatwehadcouldbesalvagednotherelationshipwasntlackin
ganythingnoitsnotbecausemymethodsofbeingyourgirlfriendareunco
nventionalandnoitsnotbecausewedontspendenoughtimetogetherise
eitallsoclearlynowthattheproblemdoesntliewithmeanymorethereas
onthatyougavemeonfridaywasthebestandthemostridiculousyetiseei
tallsoclearlynowandimsocertainthativemadetherightchoicethistimer
oundbecauseifidontputafullstoptothisthiswholeviciouscycleisgonnare
peatiamnotbenefittinganythingfromthisandijustdontwanttobeconsta
ntlylosingoutanymoreandwhilstimoveonsoperfectlywithoutyoupicki
ngmyselfuplivingmylifewithoutyourinterferenceyoucomecrawlingba
cktomesayingthatyouneedmethatyoumissmethatyouwantmebackag
ainyouhavetorealizethatiamnotwhatyouneedyouneedapillarofsuppor
tivebeenatyourconstantbeckandcallandyouwerebeginningtoabuseth
epowersandtakingthemforgrantedtherewillbenomorethisicanensure
ifallittakesismyhabittomakepplhappymakeppllaughtomakeyouwant
toendthisiamsadtosaythisisfinalnomatterhowhardyouapologizedafte
rwardsblamingyourbadmoodfortheearlieroutbursticantletitgoletitpa
ssicantforgetthatitdidnthappencosiknowyoureboundtogivemethesa
meshitonceandagainiknownowyourenotwhatineediknownowiamnot
whatyouwantyouhavebeenexpectingwaytoomuchfrmmeexpectingm
etobeperfectwhenyouresofarfrmitihavemyflawsbutyouvegotmoreic
anchangebutyourenotwillingtosoiknowwhatmyvalueistoyouhowimp
ortantihadbeentoyouhowmuchtherelationshipmatteredtoyouicantco
ntinuewiththiscontinuewithyoucontinuewithyourconstantinconsiste
ncyicantkeepupidontwishtofurtherunderstandyouihavenointerestin
whateveryoudomaybeistilldobutitsbestthatiremaincluelessabtyourli
fenonethelessnotknowingisthebestrememdyicldconjureatemomenti
hadwishedforthebestbuthtebestwillneverbeourslettingthisgocldposs
iblybethebestdecisionwearedoingforourselvesdontbeunfairtoeachoth
eranylongerdontwastemytimetheprimehasyettobereachedandiknow
iamcapableofbetteryouwerealearningexperienceiamlearntandnowih
avetogo



tomakethingsworse


ilostmynokia7200yesivelosttwophonestwosimcardsoverthespanoftw
oweekstwosaturdayshowextremelywretchedandicantbelievethisisha
ppeningtomeithinktomyselfwhatcldpossiblebetheworstthatcldeverha
ppenthisisjustsofuckedupfuckedbeyondimaginableandimjustsodraine
dsotiredsodecayedweariedimhavinghteworstchristmaseverihatechri
tmashateseeingeveryonesohappysojollysomerryarghimhatingallofthe
seiamthekilljoysodonotstopmefromdestructinghappinessbecausedest
royimust

i don't know.
i don't know you.
i don't know who you are.
i don't know who you are to me.
i don't know who i am to you.
i don't know what you want.
i don't know what you want from me.
i don't know what you want me to be.
i don't know where to begin.
i don't know where to halt.
i don't know where we shd go frm here.
i don't know where we'll end up.


i don't know much.
but i know enough to not know much.


i'm thirsty and hungry.
i'm starving and dehydrated.
and i just fell down and grazed my knee.
my clinique happy smells gd.
i smell gd.
come forth and take a sniff?
prove me wrong and tell me i stink.

attention!


to all who possess my mobile munber,pls msg me your numbers again cos i've lost all my contacts due to e loss of my phone at zoukout/loss of my sim card as well/loss of king's samsung actually/lost not cos i misplaced it but cos some fuckedupbitch pickpocketed it right out frm my pocket(!!!)/demise of my nokia on e same mother-of-all-jinxed night/due to e seabreeze at tanjong beach which corroded e phone due to e atmospheric presence of water/just got a sim card replacement/just got my sexy 7200/contactable again after being phoneless for 5 days.
appreciations aplenty.


yesterday was a day where humiliation and dramatism were photogenic.i so love it when words makes so much sense that it makes no sense at all.


i've been such a selfish bitch that you've have been totally neglected.
and i'm gonna change for e better.for you.for you to be happy.for you to be happy with me.

zoukout-e virgin experience.
*pictures


paul van dyk!e way he holds e earphones to his ears n stimulating e crowd with his fingers-*sizzle.what a turn-on.his fingers are such wonders.
he was e only highlight of my night.
how i embrace trance now.
e virgin experience came with e loss.
which led to my hysterical and,yesyes i admit,overlyreacted outbursts into wails n whimpers.
to all who had to put up with me,sorry for being a spoiler.
other than that, e virgin experience was good.


drinking at alleybar-whence alvi returned.
*pictures


appalled.alley bar has since implemented an age limit.
but i still love e ambience of e place when it isnt crowded.
e frozen lychee margarita is yums.e lychee is still my favorite part of e drink though.


i selfcomposed a punkrock song in my dream last nite.which i have to admit was quite a headbanger.i've forgotten how e tune goes.but it's by an allguy band called "killed left lip".and the last line of e chorus went like this.."i'm smart only with my penis on.."
i wanna be a drummerchick.

if shame had a face i thk it would kinda look like mine.
if it had a home would it be my eyes?
you're right.we're happier this way.
you please.and tease in ways so decadent.
decency never thrilled me much to begin with.
i dont expect.and receive pleasant surprises.
i'm on my best behaviour.luring you to perdition.
i'm aware.and await for e perfect timing for me to prey.
and to be able to seek enjoyment in more ways than one,
ooh what fun.
jubilance.
i need to be satisfied.e hunger in me keeps escalating.
e thirst drowns me n makes me crave for more.


one shopping spree is never enough.

when summer falls asleep
and winter plucks your strings
e colder that you get
makes you yearn for neglect
build it up, tear it up, throw it out
if i come round there now
wld you be pleased to see me
i wldn't make much noise
just whimper to myself
my head hurts more each time
e drinking strangles me
and these are e days without paracetemol.


e health hasnt been good these days.

i think e face is blacker than e shirt.



new postergirls for black polotees n diesel watches.




i love e leng this much!



loves of my life.


e above>> pics of tuesday's unsuccessful tanning session.


wednesday:eve of deepavali
which is equivalent to e whole of spore gathering at zouk.
maddening crowd!
all e sweatstained attempting to squeeze into e queues that were extended to e hotel so didnt suit e mood i had for e nite.
so headed to liquidroom.music was good but not for my mood.headed to lempicka at ms n that place was gorgeous.ever since i saw it being featured on hi-life,i always wanted to check that place out.lovely.and e music was superb as well.played e stupid drinking game of fivetens n lost miserably.no more sitting next to max cos his victorious achievement for e nite was to make me lose n drink.booze cures.and being boozed=lack of restraint n insanity.which was enjoyable.i like.always a first time for everything.


thursday:'e forgotten'
caught e show with johann whom i havent seen in ages.let me be a spolier n announce that my jaw is still intact.e show was not at all a jawdropper as it had promised.ending was blahlyblase.including aliens into e plot=not a gd idea.(i love being a spoiler.)cultivating e habit of reading too deeply in btw e lines,just as what i had done for 'e door in e floor' ,led me to ignore e smacked-in-e-face directly obvious.cant wait to catch 'birth'.looks damn interesting.
well of cos though i hadnt seen them for long, catching up with johann n with cillia later in e nite was a sooth to e soul.merely picked things off frm where we'd left them.no awkward discomfort of silences or strange vibes.love is all ard.


just now:trying to find something nice to buy but bought nothing.
yums.had yummy oreocheesecake with my dosage of caffeine at coffeeclub with max.followed by ice-cream.endorpins rejoice!now i know rum n raisin n durian do not complement each other at all esp when e rum is so strong.retail therapy isnt at all therapeutic if there's nothing for me to buy.just felt like getting a new piece of garment or decorative blingbling for e next clubbing session on wed.


i need to revamp e wardrobe.
i need to cross e borders n shop across e causeway.
rite now i just need to nurse e sore eye caused by e infected contact lens.


end of broadcast.

nothing's fine
i'm torn
i'm all out of faith
this is how i feel
i'm cold and i am shamed
lying naked on e floor
illusion never changed
into something real
i'm wide awake
and i can see
e perfect sky is torn
you're a little late
i'm already torn

wednesday's mambo session

before downing down shots of sexonthebeach and gulps of apricot brandy and alot of what nots:

vanniebaby and i in a preciousmoments-ish pose



my favorite ahlian and i being poseur


after downing down shots of sexonthebeach and gulps of apricot brandy and alot of what nots:

us with max.all dizzied up with tipsiness.


intense intoxication of liquer at zouk.
and ooh hardcore house at liquidroom afterwards.
been surrounded by too much trance and house these few days that i cldnt ctrl e tapping of my feet to e tiutiutiu music.
but only feet tapping.no other bodily movements produced cos e body cldnt coordination to e apparent rhythm n beat of e monotonous n repetitive tiutiutiu.
oh well..it really wasnt that bad though it wasnt e preferred source of audiopleasure.
being in e company of my pamperedpassions leng n van(iloveyou!) made e nite ohsolovely n definitely much talked abt.


that's all for updates.

this is the last time
that i will show my face
one last tender lie
and then i'm out of this place.

till tmr comes,
my motives move alongside with your illbred intentions.
e obvious will be visualized in such an indirect manner
that oblivion will be shown directly.

tear smears.
rose tinted coverage
fakes e glow which no longer radiates.


lacklustre lips.
painted by mac lipglass
e sheen and shimmer
an attempt to draw attention away frm e pale prosaic pout.


sore.
surrounding e almondhue
stains e vision.
despite its promised powers of lash lengthening/intensifying
e mascara fails to conceal
e stolidly stale stare projected by e saline-stained oculus.


dolled up to deceive.
a loungeact at its peak of perfection.


applause pls?


sin-covered in security
sheer smothering.
i'll let you do e deed.

you called yesterday
to basically say
that you care for me, but
that you're just not in love.
immediately, i pretended to be
feeling similarly
and led you to believe i was ok
to just walk away from e one thing
that's unyielding and sacred to me.


well i guess i'm trying to be
nonchalant abt it.
and i'm going to extremes
to prove i'm fine without you.
but in reality
i'm slowly losing my mind
underneath e guise of a smile
gradually i'm dying inside.
friends ask me how i feel
and i lie convincingly
cos i don't want to reveal
e fact that i'm suffering.
so i wear my disguise
till i go home at night
and turn down all the lights
and then i breakdown and cry.


e end.

flashbacktrack>>3yrs down memory lane.


one unbreezy evening, sillybaby and i decided to take a leisurely walk ard his estate after dinner. ooh yeah i'm so totally made for walking. i swear every singleinch of my body is celluliting so i rejoiced at e idea of toning and working thy calf muscles. so we walked e entire seletar estate- thru seletar hills/gardens/nim/mimosa/neram/other jalansomethings weirdsounding road names/and even came across to mr minister's hse. george yeo methinks. and there was an indian policeman sitting in his lil cove outside e hse. so poor thing la. e weather was unbearably unbearable. still n humid. only thing tt blew was nothing. sightings include wowing at suisui cars such as my alltime fave lexus(swoon...), SLKs, a supergorgeous nissanfairlady, porsches parked alongside beemers(7series to be precise) in e same hse(filthyfilthy rich cant freakin stand it!) and of cos nice big houses with gardens, whitepicketfences and doggies either running ard chasing their own tails or barking non stop by e gate (which reminds me of silly's stoopid dog who's jealous tt i have to share his owner with him and wants me dead i swear).


walkedwalked sweatsweat...


then came sad sighting..
tt seletar macs was demolished.
and all ard it. including e mkt, e oldish flats n e mamapapa shops which sell tidbits reminiscent of my childhood.
and tt evoked such a strong sadness within me.


it was where everything began;
was where my fave ppfrontman studied together for supps.
geog and econs to be exact.
underneath e posters of john lennon and e rest of his boys as decors.
was where when he told me tt my currentsqueeze wld be really blessed if he had me.
was where he told me tt he wldnt even introduce me to currentsqueeze(!elation!) if he didnt meet his thensqueeze who's suchabitch really.
was where i confided in ppfrontman tt i was doubting babytouringeurope's thenadvances.
tt were there mere honeycoated nothings or flavored somethings?
was where ppfrontman assured me tt my nowandthenbaby was serious abt me.
was where mybaby and i first held hands discreetly.
underneath e tables. without ppfrontman's knowledge.
was where mybelovedyingying pronounced n-i-n-e as neeneh instead of nine.
was where e four of us laughed at e stupidest things over happymeals.
such happy meals.
was where sillybaby n i studied n sneaked peeks at each other during our periods of greyish ambiguities.
as i'd refused to go to his place, knowing i'd breakaway frm my limitations.
was where sillybaby's mom n i bought 25 25cents ice-cream cones.
aha vanilla delights.


and e mkt was where we bought breakfast/lunch/dinner for his parents.
and seeing him chitchat with e hawkers cos they've practically seen him grow up.
which i bet was an attempt to get more ingredients and was a successful one.


so these significant landmarks are now nothing but empty landscapes.
prolly gonna build up some mightymall there.
which wld further escalate e prices of land n private estates in tt area.


so it is a goodbye to former serenity.
defunct.
but deeplymissed.

selfobessession at its peak.


loving oneself is e most vital immunity ammunition.
without this pride that you have in yourself,
wounds of weaknesses are exposed
allowing others to feast on your pain
and conquer e vulnerabilities.
till damage is beyond any salvation,
regrettting doesnt serve as an aid.


loving thy flawshortcomingsimperfectperfections.
loving thy strengthslongeivityperfectimperfections.
for saying that you care is nothing more than a shallow conceit

raise me up with falsetted acclaims

only to let me down in shame.

count on noone.

believe in none.


leng: iloveyou.
those tears that we've shed
werent meant for him for he does not deserve
e tears that ive shed n shared with you were out of heartache

for it hurts me so much to see you cry

and angers me to know that i cant reduce your pain

always here for you
willing to do anything in n out of my power for you.

anything.

i've got strong bones.
calcium in e bones.no worries bout osteoporosis.
milk it.
last night my entire palm was slammed clammed by e car door and it's still intact.
joreen's impact.
best of all, e car door actually shut tight.
with my hand in between.
awesom-O.
no bleeding. no broken bones.
just a protruding vein n a swelling cushion on e palm,
which in accordance to e palmistry book, reflects wealth.
just reminds me of how my leg slipped in to e hole in between e train n e platform 4yrs back.
and how my primary concern at that pt of time was not losing grip of my brand new jinxed sandals.
and how my bruise was blackish blue and how i pride having to encounter such an accident which SMRT wld prolly bribe my mouth shut frm e media.
and my only response to both e pain was laughing uncontrollably.
perhaps e pain triggered me off into a strangely unexplainable laughing misfit.
come to think of it, 'twas really hilarioushaha.


pain pleasures me

more birthday shoutouts n screamins.
happy birthday to....


elaine (22/9)

to e one on e right,(what an awesom-O pic i must say)
yingying, my graffiti guru with meenared mannerisms. so very special to me.
so blessed to have you in my life.
appreciate all you've done for me.
thank you for not forsaking me thru e yrs.


lily(24/9)

oh gosh this is such an ancient picture but this is e only one that i can get hold of with us in it.
those were e days werent they?
i love you lily dear.
happy 'stewardessing'.
you know what i mean. *winks.


wen(24/9)

'grandson' of khong guan.
do brush up n learn more ah-du songs yeah. ktving isnt all that exciting if we were to bang our heads to sum41's fat lip all e time.
more sultana biscuits when you return?
will nv forget you offering me a hand when i slipped n fell at castle green's gents after sneaking in for a suana.
will try to forget you laughing so damn loud while offering your act of kindness.


so manymany september babies.
and of cos, all pics above were specially chosen cos i look good in them.

Happy 19th Birthday my beloved Vanessa Cheryl Woo Shufen my baby waby.
i love you sweets and always will.
so glad that you enjoyed e surprise party that we had for you though you were pissed with me for a mo'.
anything at e expense of building up e ultimate climax for you.
willing to do aything for you baby.
still lovin' you even though you n leng spiked my soup with an extra dosage of tom yam paste.
still lovin' you even you didnt wear e party hat that leng n i made for you.
still lovin' you even though my birthday present which comes in e form of a white tube is still with you.
damn. if only we had time to play 'pin-e-tail-on-e-donkey' n drink our sparkling wine.
but nonetheless, e smile on your face made all efforts worth while.
many many many many many many many more birthday celebrations n surprise parties to come.
this i know for a fact.
i love you.

please, for hell's sake, be original.
i've been itching to get this out of me
and today my displeasures abt you will erupt
and i'll spit it right on your face.
i may be sourpussing for awhile.
but you're a FAKE and you have to live with that for e rest of your downtrodden life.
i feel shameful of your existence really.
a little extractions, here n there, to emphasize your pt is fine with me.
but to e extend of adopting my lingo as your own,
imitating my habits, my behavior, my mannerism, my style
whatever that distincts me n makes me special,
sickens me to a great extend.
it's blatant that you're perpetually altering your persona to be someone you're not.
trying oh so hard to be impressive, impressionable, imperial but my dear, i can see thru your veneers.
underneath it all, you're still e blase person that you are and you cant possibly deny your nature.
try as you might.
you wont make it big as a somebody or someone worth remembering.
you are easily forgotten.
a person void of substance.
essence so bland, yawn, what did you say again?
pay a price for your pathetic plagiarism.
but you cant afford it so i shall just forget abt it.
i feel sorry for you.
sympathize you.
look down upon you.
you're getting on my fucking nerves
and thats it. it's e end.
i'm plucking you out of my system. for good. forever.
don't hear frm me any longer.

hot. e weather i mean.



upandcoming postergirl for sports unillustrated.



i love me babies!



leng looks like a dragon here.rrrrr.



tanning on tues.
pics kindly abstracted frm vannie baby's camera. which was happily hogged by me.
e sun was glorious as usual. my back's tanner than my front and so is van's. leng developed a weird rash after showering with my shokobutsu.
soaking up e sun was good. but soaking up e sun with my darlingest girls n lunching at our table no 155 at seah im hawker centre makes june e happiest girl ever.




wed nite. in e cab to zouk.


oooh yeah dancin' in september.
as compared to newsroombar last sat which was such a farfarfar cry, whereby e music and crowd were blech n boring, mamboing was great after a 3mth hiatus.
liquer flowed aplenty.
and it was especially joyous when i had an extra lychee in my lychee martini.
when hot n sticky was stickier than usual.
when e samoka shot inflammed e tongue.
when e company i was with dizzied me up with happiness.
drunk talkin is such a bad habit of mine.
sprouting nonsense which i cant otherwise take back.
but alas, e damage is already done.
and cant undo e disappointment which i've brought upon.


help! leng is singing hokkien songs n prancing ard as if she's in those scenic obiangdated music videos. help!

new template.


sinfully savouring bloody cockles, and ooh, durian that arent that fleshy but nonetheless melts in my mouth.
suppering is a sin.
my 3yr old levis arent supposed to feel this tight!
soon e hipsters will be a size 27 waister.

one wk hols starting frm now.
*ecstasy.
sinking into delirium n falling into deep sleep.
plant a kiss on thy lips n i shalt wake.
cos thou art e reason thy hours are beautiful.

my favoritest girls in e world!

when we laugh or we cry, it's together.
through e rain and e stormiest weather.
we're gonna still be as one
it's forever. .

i love my vannie n leng!
as my sillyboy has envisioned us to be thirty yrs down e road, we're still gonna be having regular bitching sessions and highteas, mahjong parties n shopping sprees. and as a result, e housework will be left undone, dinner wont be cooked, children running all over e place, totally neglecting our partners.
i can so see us growing old together.
and that's what we will do.
iloveyou.
you girls mean e world to me.
oh yes even if vannie makes me walk with her frm lau pa sat to esplanade.
and even if leng forces us to be cordial to her xiaobai.
i'm nothing without you.
*much love.

hopelessly addicted to nelly feat jaheim's-my place.
it's like so totally orgasmic.
i sink deep into e song.
and elevates me to an incredible high all e time.
lyrics so sleazy yet tune so smooth,
i melt, mesmerised.

really am melting.
weather's too hot, forcing me to strip bare to nothingness.

pictures taken over e weekend while slogging over e logistics project at huey's hse.
was triggerpleasing snapping pictures of meself.
kinda abstract dont you think?
selfobsession is indeed therapeutic.
go try.

thought of an awesome club name while writing notes for my marketing mgmt.
lvlounge.
pronounced as level lounge.
very winebar. jazz.ambient. lush sofaseats. deepred. sensous. cocktail. ontherocks. beautifulpeople. gucci. dior. upmarket. highend. gorgeous. socialise. socialite. me.
and e danceywancey club wld be called:
lure.
as in pure.
my sillyboy says he'll name his club e-house.
dang.sounds really inviting eh.

mel! remember how we used to talk abt setting up our own club during guides?and who wld be in charge of whichever department n e overall running of e club yadayada? such pleasant memoirs of those times in e den, our den as qm. i miss those times. innocence n purejoy.

vannie, leng! cant wait to meet up tmr! finally we can recommence our bitching sessions. mouth's itchin. hands're itchin to play mahjong too. and e heart's itchin to see you two. *mushywush.

till tmr.ta.

i can hardly wait to hold you
feel my arms ard you
how long i have waited
waited just to love you
now that i have found you..
i'll see you on thurs.:)

my heart is filled with so much joy, i can only glow with delight.

i desperately need a tan.
vannie,leng do you hear me?!lets go really soon k.lets frolick under e sun once n again n have skinonskin contact with e sands.exfoliate me baby! i feel like a tofu now really.in every sense of e word.white n jiggly n soyeah(soya..gedditgeddit?), grosse.

shopping at chinatown this noon was great!all thanks to my vannie who shared with me her cheap acquisition at cowcarwater.absolutely love my rattan bags man.cant wait to beautify them with my signature prettily fake flowers in every color of e rainbow.pwetty.
tsk.and to know that I(yes me,ME,ME) was e one who started this trend in sch way way back last yr.my style.MINE.
next up>>army market.
but arghhh how i wish i cld squeeze time out frm my unmoisturized but nonetheless smooth hands.
oh but wait..last day of work will be this coming sunday.soon i'll have tons of time for disposal.can finally get to spent good quality time with my sillybilly and all my lurbalurbas.it's a bittersweet departure really.e only peeves of it all were e loooooooooong hrs(10hrs.it's that long), e boredom, buying female, her world, 8days, elle every mth(!!!) to entertain meself, piling on weight snacking non stop in order to kill time.and bangbang i've shot up to 50kg.but other than that, working with clothes, dressing e mannequins up in e always-in-vogue-joon's-couture-style n tapping on my hidden fashionistic instincts were pleasantly pleasant.
next up>>prolly venturing into e cosmetic line soon.e power of strings pulling.e power of having power.i lust for power.i want it mine!

on a more sombre note altogether,
recently a friend of mine passed on.though i wasnt close to him in any way, his tragic death in a road accident really struck a chord in me.gone so sudden.didnt even get to say farewell to those who loved him n whom he loved.
i would like to bring this across: when i do pass on one fine day, i would like my eulogy to be such whereby all e countless silly, lame, funny/unfunny things i've said n done to be shared to one n all, to mark my closure.to know that i've touched each n everyone of you in any way, n that i've made you laugh n smile even for just once in my life, i depart with a smile on my face.love you all.i may not have deserved em, but i do cherish n appreciate em e best way i can.

loving you is easy cos you're beautiful.
yes, all of you.

major malfunctioning.
e fucking left eyelid's been twitching non stop.
and that's supposed to be ultra bad luck.
checked with oldwivestales.com and they confirmed my fears.
it's bad.

fuck it.

no thanks to you for making me feel worse.
you know what?
i've got others who're more than eager to have me ard.
once and again,
you give me every reason not to feel e guilt.
do a cleaner job next time yeah.
make sure i cant find anything to your disadvantage.
and dont leave behind evidences of your wrongdoings.
make sure i don't find out.
but i did.
you know,
it'd have been much much better if i hadn't found out anything at all, thank you very much.
i'm feeling sick rite now
and i know just who to find to make me feel better.
you made me do this.
you make me sick.
sicker than before.
sicker than i've ever been.
sickening shit.

i'll bring you on a guilt trip.
starting frm rite now.
enjoy e ride.

i'm high maintenance and uneasy to satisfy.
i expect n demand too much and nothing is ever good enough for me.
i'm selfish when my perception of myself all along was selflessness.
i thought i've been endlessly giving when all i've done was shameless reception.
i compare too much without realising tt e value in you is far beyond any comparison.
i'm far frm perfect even as i think i'm millimetres away frm perfection.
i'm petty despite my graciousness.
i pick on your faults in order to divert attention away frm mine.
i overestimate my credentials.
and as you continue being with me,
knowing me on a much deeper level,
peeling off e layers of pretenses n feigned perfections that are losing its worth,
what you may discover is hideous.
and that really is who i am.
a bestial bitch that reeks of poison n bites too much.
an unsightly ugliness.

pls back out frm this union before further deformation takes place.
before it's too late.
you have every reason not to be with me.
i failed to realise e good intent in all tt you did.
was blind to your needs as all that was in view was mine.
i do not blame you if you were to ever regret this.
you probably deserve better.
i do not deserve your tolerance and patience.
do not put up with me any longer
because i am a waste of time.

this is what you get for knowing me too well.

before=long hair (ooh i so love this dior watch..*lusting..)


after=short hair

e new hairdo.so different frm my before isnt it?!snipped to destruction at klear cuts.not meant as publicity but more like a note of caution.go forth at your own risk.you've been warned!
e hair only looked like that once and only lasted for a few minutes.my hairdresser lied to me.shant call her a bitch cos she didnt do anything bad to me.ruined my hair only mah it's ok one.yeah she lied cos when i asked her whether it wld be diffy to style n maintain,she said'oh very easy'.easy my plasmatic ass ah.it took me an average of 1hr minimum to style e hair of mine.it's just so layered n stubborn,i flare at my reflection."who is that monster i see..staring strt back at me..why does my reflection show someone i am not..?!"i pang for my long hair.come back to me *sobsobsob or rather grow faster!boohoo.now wax is my new bestie.it salvaged me frm looking like shyte.i've been using so much wax to style e hair,you can burn me like a candle.but all's fine now,i guess.torturous damage n demonic turmoil of e mind n esp e hair are temporarily halted as i've rediscovered e usefulness of hairpins.so now everything's pinned up n tied in a perk lil bunnytail(bun+ponytail).so much for spending 36bucks for my desire to chg my look.well i'm pretty pleased with my long bangs though.they're kinda cute.my brother says i look like a doll.haha chucky's wife has resurrected hiakhiakhiak!

i feel like such a housewife now.except tt i'm not doing any housework,am alone in his hse n awaiting his return.he picked me up frm sch after 12.watched designer guys n days of our lives n he left for sch soon after.rite before he left i said this:
me:"darling you shd leave for sch now."
him:"yeah ok."
me(adjusting his shirt):"drive safe.be back for dinner.remember to pick e kids up frm sch yeah."
*hurhurhur.me n my wacked up role playing.
his room is a friggin walk in freezer.freezing my white mng pants off in here!maybe tt's cos i'm decked in all white today(i'm livin' it up to my surname),with my two dollar fifty cents pashmina white shawl(!) drapped over e shoulders tt are losing its tan.brrr.

annoyed!e ugly picture of an indian woman tt my sweetest shit of a darling posted on my friendster as a primary pic refuses to be deleted!it's haunting me!and by e way it isnt funny at all in case you're roaring with laughter rite now.go catch a glimpse of it if you still have a chance to.to counter attack my baby's childish prank,i forced him to put a picture of a fat indian man as his primary pic so more wld recognise us as a couple.*hiakhiakhiak.now tt's funny.

ooh lets run a poll here.
puke out your comments regarding e hair.
lets see whos for e before or e after of e sad snip.
*enjoy.ta.

amazing race last nite was intensely exhilerating!but it aint tt fun anymore cos my amazing race 'partner' isnt ard with me to lay bets n to discuss e game politics with.and of cos,hopping on e imaginary carpet at whichever destination n imagining e host whose-name-i-forgot saying, "shane n june.you're e first team to arrive".amazing race aint e same anymore.sigh.*missmiss.

newest obsession:e obsene amt of weight tt i've been putting on.
and physical perfection.
superficialities satisfies.
my fatboy poked e tummy of mine n said:'darling you really did put on weight.'
yeah uh.thats what i get for being with a plus sized darling who feeds me tons!and i always look small n petitey next to him.i'll never really know how much weight i've put on till e tummy pops.

i've cut my 1mth-short-of-a-yr-long hair already.sorry to cillia,elaine n elise whom i've sorta arranged to go cut hair with.but i just couldnt stand e hair anymore and i just had to snip it all off!well not all but most of it.e long hair is gone.gone.GONE.GONE!it's a totally different look altogther n i'm trying really hard to get used to e monster-with-shorthair-and-shortfringe in e mirror.e new 'do aint tt bad.it's different.i look different.i kinda miss e long hair now.e steamingly sexy,just-outta-e-bed look.damnation.it's a love/hate relationship with e hair.e only joy i derive frm haircuts are e head n neck massages i get frm e shampooers.today i had a shampoo boy.and i can say he's pretty good with his hands.*hiakhiakhiak.

new haircut.new beginning.begin what?what's to end?
it's been 2yrs since that.

fuck it.
e DIY dye job turned out damn fucking bad.
fuck.

hiatus.

i'm sure i'm deeply missed.
*hiakhiakhiak

woke up at 0459hrs with a bleeding nose.thought it was e case of a sensitive nose again n thought i felt mucus but no..blood rushed out frm e right nostril so profusely i almost fainted at e sight of e amt of blood i lost.and ive got low blood pressure too.feeling faint is such a norm for me.didnt stop till much much later.mom's getting panicky over this.ssh.shall not tell her tt e nose bled again this morning or she'll so freak out.

went out with gayle on sat.my ever so darling gaga.she's such a hottie!*hothothot.havent met n spoken to gayle for e longest time.and during her absence ive always had recurring dreams of her.and she's been having dreams of me too!shows how much we missed each other's silly company.it feels really good to go out with her again n have so much fun n laughters just like those days in cj.we basically laughed e entire day at e stupidest things.ate so much e whole damn day cos gayle's such a bottomless pit.oh yeah beef noodles to her was just a snack.eeck!went for drinks at the bar@mezza9.oh boy such a lovely place.i cld totally picture myself going there more often.for a taitai like me.aircon was blasting.cld have well been at negative celcius but beer kept us warm.i wld so wanna eat at mezza9..soonsoon.slurps.salivating at e thought of e yummy crabs tt they serve.
went for e mango sale as well n i'm so glad i've gotten good buys despite e maddening crowd.bought nice black capris pants,lime green halter n a simple black sleeveless top n all i spent was 44bucks.cheapcheapcheap.hehe adding on to e recent acquisitons,ie,e guess bag tt my sweetest bought for me(which i absolutely adore to e core),my white mango pants n pink zara top which he kindly sponsored too.yesyes ive finally broken out frm my black/white wardrobe.wheee with glee.back to gayle.oh yes.i'm so proud of her for making thru e 1st two rounds for e SIA interview.i can so picture my gayle in an ohsosexy skin-hugging kebaya.ohh sizzling hot!am crossing my fingers for her for e final round.really happy tt things are looking so gloriously fine for her.living e high life tt i so desire n lust after,ie,doing runways n shows for e chichi brands such as chanel,lancome,blahblah..so glam!i'm truly happy for my gayle.she deserves her happiness tt she's enjoying now.

all i need to get before sch starts is a new sch bag n legal slippers.meaning..with heel straps.i'm jealous tt van has already bought her samba-adidas already!i also want!sch's starting next mon.frm then on leng will constantly be in my presence once again.yay cant wait!another reason for me to go to sch for.lengleng we must go shop for bags soon!and oh yeah before i forget..dye hair together.fix a date soon for me!

latest obsession:e filth of wealth
i crave for all e malevolent pleasures tt e dirt of riches can bring.
such decadent happiness.
i'm materialistic
i'm realistic
i'm plastic
i'm s'porean.
see e link?

woke up this morning at 0934hrs by a phonecall frm him.
me with grosse morning croak:"hello..."
him:"are you sleeping?"
me"mmm..."
him:"just called to say i love you."

what a pleasant start to a beautiful day.
e past wk has been frustrating for both
but we're happy now.
and that's all that matters.

this will come a day early but
happy birthday to my beloved lovelovelove of my life alvina chang!
i love my alvi so so so much that i find it hard to explain e intensity of how much i love n cherish this beautiful frienship i have with this beautiful girl.
hey sweetest,hope u'll enjoy your special day.such a pity that you wont be coming bk to spore in july cos i'm just dying to see you.to spend time with you.to have supper with you at imans.swim n suntan at e ulu-ated serangoon swimming complex.to bitch with you in person.to feel your hugs again.to see your pouts(e nobody-loves-me-pout that i've now mastered with perfection) n hear your whines.i dont even mind e second hand smoke that i inhale.you're an absolute darling.always giving me sound advices,you taught me not to be so self absorbed with my side of e story but to understand e other's pt of view.and that if we do something bad,we'll have retributions.you cry with me when i cry.laugh when i laugh.scold me when i'm bad.praise me when i'm good.i want to grow old with you..and this friendship to last as long as we live.i want to zoom ard town in your black audiA4 n you to be my passenger in my lexusSC430.to experience childbirth n menopauses together and moan groan over greying hairs n disobedient husbands n children.this is getting farfetched but you get e drift.
*you make me a better person.and a better friend to love you with.iloveyou.with all my heart n all of me.

i'm hungry.craving for durian,bubble tea,yoshinoya's beef bowl,oreo cheesecake,chompchomp's stingray(which is simply orgasmic!),durian,my century egg n sliced fish porridge frm crystal jade,xiao long bao(!!!) frm anywhere as long there's soupy surprise.i need food..just tried twisties's new flavour-thai tom yam n it sucks.don't try it.

i'm really not fated to watch shrek2 e legal way i suppose.sillybaby n i really wanted to watch this since how long ago but nv had e time to.used starhub's info services to find out e movie listings n it stated tt shrek2 wld be showin at 1715,1925,2145 n 0000hrs at bishan's golden village today.and it was only when i reached there requesting for shrek2's tix n e guy asked u mean for tmr's show?i was like what e fcuk!he showed me e proper listings n shrek2 was only shown at 1030 n 1300hrs today.ok shall resort to watchin it e illegal way then.bah.

advice:never disregard your dreams.they are significant.backtrack n rewind:i dreamt tt sillybaby n i were gettin married on 8th june.dream analysis stated to dream of a marriage=an end in something.true enough.we had another misunderstanding on 8th june.damn this date.i walked out on him.walked outta his hse.all cos of a comment he said which he meant as a joke but i apparently didnt receive it tt way.and instead of holdin me bk n assuring me it was a joke,he opened e door for me n ushered me out.so he wasnt feelin well n needed time alone but hello..i cancelled my plans for him just cos he wanted to see me.so we almost broke up.again.once again my feelings werent considered.but no worries.i've had a distraction as a backup.not like i enjoyed myself with distraction either.but at least i didnt have time to dwell in my misery.felt better when he called to check on me.bah.
i'm fine without you too.
not tt fine but fine enough.
but i still need you.and want you.and love you.
and you're mine.
mine alone.
noone else's.

i'm angry!*curses n swears.tt bitchslut msged him on friendster tellin him tt she dreamt of him.arghhh like we're so fcuking interested.and it's not e first time tt she's doing this!!how i wish she was tt cockroach..and i cld smash her into pieces.really.tts what i wanna do to her.smash smash smash with all my might n spray tons of pesticide on tt bitchslut till disfiguration cant carry on any further.BE GONE with bygone!

*birthday pics are up.

at huey's hse studying for stats supps.blech.e mood just aint here.concentation's low but i absolutely mustmustmust buck e fcuk up.just had a screaming n shrieks rampage a while ago.over e ugliest cockroach ever!who was out deliberately to scare e wits outta me.got me so incredibly frightened that i flew rite onto huey's table n shrieked n screamed till my throat ran sore.how scared was i?i shivered at e sight of tt fcuking ugly thing that shouldnt even be allowed of its existence.thank goodness it was smashed to eventual slow n painful death.it was well deserved.burn in hell cockroach!have a roastin gd time.bah.

thanks to all who sent me their birthday wishes.to receive wishes frm e near n dear makes me feel more loved than ever.and to hear frm e far but not forgotten gives me deeper delights knowing tt they still remember my birthday.

and of cos,huge thanks n greatest love going out to those who celebrated my birthday with me.*muahmuahmuah.
cillia,elise n van on wed @zouk.
girls' night out is always e bestest.though a leech creeped along n almost threatened to spoil e fun n my mood n didnt realise he's sticky icky.cillia,we know who.*winks.lets just forgive n forget.afterall leech is a friend of mine.

susan,huey,colin n eileen on thurs.
e bestest bestest surprise i ever had.i absolutely lovelovelove surprises!1st surprise:susan rented a car..for my birthday!gosh tt's like how exciting.my 1st female driver friend.oohwee.so she drove by,fulfilling her promise for making me her first passenger.was supposed to only go for a spin but to my absolute horror, we drove to town cos i had to pop by my shop.so i went to town in *gasps*:IJ Fiesta 98 tshirt, cjc PE shorts, my adidas cap n *heavyheavy gasps* my nerdy glasses!yikes!tts like sooo incredibly ugly to e maxmaxmax!yuckyuckyuck.my ugliest ever.zero makeup too.yucks!thank gawd i didnt see anyone familiar.not tt i cld..had my eyes on e grd most of e time.went hm to chg n 2nd surprise came:tt huey came bk to spore just in time to celebrate my birthday with me.dinner was at e mouth kitchen at west mall.drove ard to nowhere after dinner n went to esplanade.just in time for 3rd surprise..a birthday cake for me at e stroke of midnight.awww.so shweet.decided to buy drinks after tt but heyho 7-11 doesnt sell alcohol after 1am so we bought beer at amk's s-11.(i've got beer belly now..joon has a tummy.)drove to bishan park and tt was where i learnt how to drive n I DROVE!for e 1st time.and it was damn exciting n stressful at e same time.i was a bundle of nerves behind e wheel!fastest i went was only 30km/h n i kept braking hard so everyone enjoyed hard jerks of e car,all thanks to me.also learnt how to reverse n basically e basics.i think i'd prefer to be a perpetual passenger for now..n make any car look gd.

tricia,darryl(my niece n nephew),huey n susan-fri noon
sillybaby-fri n sat
so happy to see e 2 cuties.tricia n darryl i mean.:)susan drove by n we went to macs for brunch.with e kids.each n every time i'm with them,my maternal instinct oozes out frm every pore.i so wanna have children next time.1 boy n 1 girl n tt's enough.after brunch n after e kids had their ice-cream,we dropped them off at my place n drove to geylang for yummy durian.yum!went bk hm to play playstation with darryl n tricia,fed them dinner,bathed them(i'm so ready to be a mom!) n met my sillybaby for dinner.had dinner at swensens.headed bk to his place cos he was damn tired.ended up having a bitching session with him n his sister.hiakhiakhiak bitching abt his exs..sensual treats for my ears.such pleasures tt i absolutely lovelovelove n lustlustlust after.am so easily satisfied.i want more i want more!
sillybaby is a selfish sleeper.

each time u ask me why i chose u over e rest
why iloveu
i'll choke on my reply
simply because i cant seem to point out a particular reason to explain e intensity of e feelings tt i have for u.
a fluttering social butterfly u are not-which is why i'm so comfortable with u.
a security n stability i seek in u which i somehow cant provide.
or is it because
u've seen me at my ugliest
both inside n out
and still accept me for me.
maybe u know me too well
better than i know myself
more than what i chose to reveal.
naked n exposed.
and u cld still accept me for me
...
in e end
i coughed out something stupid.
so incredibly stupid
...
shall just keep my mouth shut e next time ard.
shut u up with kisses.
and have a pillow fight.
i will win e next time round.

i get so weak in the knees
i can hardly speak
i lose all control
and something takes over me.

last nite,i dreamt tt sillybaby n i were gonna get married.on e 8th of june to be very exact.that's like 12 days frm now, 4 days frm my birthday.there was no knee on grd proposal or anything.sure didnt remember seeing any kringkring diamond being put on my ring finger.all e dream consisted was us preparing for e upcoming wedding reception.leng n vannie played cameos.cant remember what they were doing.anyway i kept asking him in e dream why were we getting married so early when we both have no money.he said we shd get married soon on e 8th of june cos it's in e pink of june.exact words frm him in e dream.as in e pink of health?shrugs man no idea what tt meant.remembered having lotsa doubts abt us getting married so soon but he wldnt take no for an answer.also remember wearing a white satin bustier gown while preparing for e reception.my fat boy was alot slimmer in e dream.oh yes n we were happily kissing while discussing abt plans for e reception with someone.damn strange.

intepretation frm dreammoods:
Wedding
To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition. Dreams involving weddings are generally negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence.

Kiss
To dream of a kiss,denotes love,affection,tranquility,harmony,and contentment.

woke up thking maybe this dream of us getting married,e beginning of life spent together as one,is foreshadowing a plausible end to e rship.tt perhaps it'll end on 8th of june,e supposed date of marriage in e dream.talked to him abt it just now n we were laughing abt it.somehow i've got a bad feeling abt this.shit.wish i didnt remember e vivid details of e dream cos now it has def got me thking way too much.am negative now.oh well it's all just a silly dream eh.havent seen him for 3days tt's why.sillybaby had a dream last nite too.of his friend jonathan n a giant tarantular and oh yes,he also dreamt of his ex girlfriend/e one i hate e most(!!!)/e one i detest so much(!!!)/e bitchslut-ihateher.*curses.yeah tt one.*curses.shant mention e name cos i hate e sound of it.he dreamt tt she said hi to him n cldnt remember anything else.rite.so i dreamt of a marriage n he dreamt of tt creature?!?!how pleasantly nice!and tt got me so worked up but once n again he got so amused by my pettiness n how worked up i was.petty meh?i just dont like it.and it's as if she'll always be an element of his past tt'll continue to haunt.i'm hating it.sillybaby has alot of reassuring to do.

sniffles.caught a cold again.i wish i cld chop off e damn nose now!grrrr.damn annoying.
my sweetest sillybaby bought me supper frm chomps last nite.he knew i was starving so he bought me charkuayteow n extra packet of taugay n cockles n brought e foodie to my hse.super yummy.aha n later at nite over e fone he told me that was my bday present.rite.my boyfriend's got a weird sense of humour eh.just like me.hiakhiakhiak.
not gonna be seeing my sillybaby much anymore cos he's a busy busy boy now.so i shall be a busy busy girl too so i wont have to miss him much.

ten more days to my birthday,in case you're wondering.
a very casual reminder to all.

update at 9.26pm:
miracle!after talkin to alvi on e phone,my nose has stopped running!completely stopped.no more sick june anymore.yippee!alvi is my remedy.alvi always makes me feel better.alvi makes june a happy girl.june loves talkin to her alvi.alvi is my baby and i is loving alvi very much.lovelovelove.all for you,alvi.:)
and also,thks to my susan for providing me with tons of tissues.and also torturing me while i'm at your hse.

fourth of june is a very special day.

ewww.blogger has chged its layout n it's how grosse n childish.for a moment i thought i went to nickolodeon.com instead.

lookback at e wk's happenings.

tues.
went shoppin with little flower n susan before e flower returned to msia.so many things i wanna buy but no money!listen up.my birthday's in 2weeks so everybody better start saving up.went sim lim sq with e-darling-of-mine n watched van helsing afterwards.not bad a show tho my baby n i got kinda bored n distracted but nonetheless it was not bad.pleasant day.full of smiles.am happy to be with him.:).smiles some more.:)

wed.
pukes-a-plenty at zouk.
gosh.for e first damn time i drank so excessively much that i puked all over a place.not that i can recall where i puked.zouk was damn packed.contemplated on not entering when i saw e snake long queues.oh well but it's been a looooong time since i clubbed with my lovelies:van,cillia,elaine n elise.consumptions for e nite:hot n sticky-one n half glasses.2 jugs of whisky cokes btw us.a bottle of e33 to elevate e high.and more fast n furious sips of long island for e insanely subconsious.my goodness.cant really recall much of e nite except everyone was highhighhigh.skyhigh till we puked to low grds.and saw certain somebody whom i dont have a liking for anymore aft tt nite.oh yes another thing i can recall is an unbelievably nice stranger who sent me hm.
to mr dan(hope i got e name rite)..dont thk u'll be seeing this but gosh you are such a weirdo.i hardly know you but you sent me home.to my doorstep even.and wasted your time at my carpark while i puked n ranted at you for sending me hm.are you insane?why,you paid for my cab fare, patted my back while i puked, make sure i got hm safe..boy are you strange.oh well i shall take heed Channel NewsAsia's Pay It Forward movement.you did such a good deed of sending me hm n taking care of me whilst i was not stable n conscious n mental,and put up with my scoldings which you didnt deserve.you are a good citizen.i shall pay e good deed forward.thanks once again.

thurs.
wasnt walking strt when i woke up.horrible hangover.horrible feeling.looked horrid too.blech.had lunch with my beloveds leng n van at leng's hse.dinner at bukit timah's boon tong kee with elaine n van.grrr.took e wrong bus hm n ended up at bloody boon lay without a single cent!took cab hm in e end which was how expensive.heart very pain.

fri.
finally had my tanning done with a someone whose identity i shalt not disclose.you know who you are.:).glad you shared your life with me.i hope for e best that's yet to come.love ya.:)
met him later in e evening.had another disagreement yet again.and that got me thinking alot once again.as a chinese saying goes."talkin abt money hurts e feelings ah."
well it's not like i expect you to pay for me all e time.i do offer too just that you've conveniently forgotten.and i do not always rely on your car.i've travelled to your place on my own many times before you had your car.our differences are so evidently strong.and i really hope we can put them aside n work on us instead.i want this to work out.really do.but i know some day this will end cos everything in this world has an expiry date.
i shouldn't be having doubts but i am.
thinkin that perhaps
i really am a material girl livin in a material world.
which girl doesn't love to be pampered?
but i'm not expecting anything frm you at all.
your love is much desired than all e riches n diors/guccis that i can lay my hands on.
i want you
and i already have.

i don't know what else i shd expect n want anymore, knowing perfectly well that expectations end up in a poof of disappointments.
don't understand what i'm saying?
i don't either.

*new pics.

accting paper today was like fuck.
sigh.
hatehatehate it.

your parting lips that wrapped me up
in promised company
now mumble
that each breath i take
takes from the air you breathe..

seeking solace frm e comfort i receive in abundance
frm my love
e-one-i-can-finally-call-mineminemine.
e assurances that you've provided me
are enough to last me
a lifetime of happiness.
now with e walls of defense torn down
we're bound together
in a sealed embrace.
i'm truly happy
being yours.

a silly fight is e expression of some deeper issue.

horoscope predicted tt on fri n my-oh-my how accurate it was.
we fought.
more of fierce exchange of words with so much emotions involved tt hurtful words nv felt so painful to hear.
and e obvious lack of vital communication
has caused him to misunderstand, misconstrue n misintepret my tone of voice as one of disinterest n of scorn.
e constant barrier put up to prevent e erosion of a required protection,
e holdin backs,
e refusals to put in completely in this rship,
have led him to believe tt i wasnt serious abt us at all.
and for once i hurt him so incredibly
tt i saw a different side of him tt ive nv seen before.
e weak n vulnerable
e hurting n e lonely
e neglected n e lorn
e false fronts of strength underneath tt stiff stoutness
shattered by e gravity of a silly misunderstanding.

and it scared me to know tt i had almost singlehandedly ruined everything
worst of all
almost losing him.

making up is e best part to a fight.
n to hear his frail plead of not to hurt him again
e look in his eyes desperately screaming out e need for my undivided attention n affections
to hear e three words i hardly hear frm him
makes tt moment so deliciously sweet.
bringing us to a whole new level of togetherness.

chg of game plans.

pettypettypetty u!
pissed.crossed.n mad at u!
not upset not even boohoo sad but damndamn pissed!
gosh just cos i chose studyin over u e nite before
despite ur burning desire to meet me n wantin to spend time with me
cldnt u wait a lil longer?
i missed u too u know
wanted to see u just as much
besides havent we already made plans to study today?
so u go ahead n meet another just cos i cant meet u.
am fine with everything but cant help noticing ur deliberate choice of friend to meet.
wtf.so i have a substitute?!
so now u go ahead, engrossed in ur pettiness
n not botherin with meetin me today as we had planned.
chk ur phone to see 1 missed call frm me.
i made e first forgiving move.ive done what i shd have done.
not gonna follow suit ur childish misdeameanor.

ur behavior has totally justified all e wrongs i had committed in e midst of this rship.
no longer guilt trippin anymore.

we're quits now.

sudden urge to blog.

yesterday was my baby's birthday.for once i didnt get him anything for his bday.wanted to get him absolut vanilla but hmmm wld rather get it at duty free charges.budgetbudget.wanted to get him a phone since his old 8250 drowned its existence away in e33, but nah he didnt want me to spend on him.he told me i was his birthday gift.awww.what a sweet tongued LIAR.haha besides i've already spent a bit on another's present.tsk me.went to his hse for dinner.went there early thought i cld be of some help in e kitchen to help his sis n maid.felt so helpless there cos e women in his hsehold are such good cooks n i'm a ridiculously useless cook cos i hardly cook at all.no way i cld have a way to his heart thru his stomach.gotta use other means then hiakhiakhiak.so in e end all that i did in e kitchen was cutting e vegetables with scissors,mixing e drinks and setting e table.how helpful.dinner started when his friends came over.was just a small affair considering it's his 21st.he didnt wanna celebrate it with a big hooha cos to him it's just another day.during cake cutting, cld see that his parents still saw e bigsizedboy as a little toddler with a party hat on e head.e cake,i mite add, was his fave since young.awww aint tt cute?went for movies after that.starsky n hutch.lame show with a salvaging soundtrack.still diggin' e 70's groovin'.e farrah fawcetted hairdos(my all time fave), e loud n hippish attire, e radical save-e-dolphins 'tude..love e 70s!sidetrack sidetrack.he said all that mattered to him was my presence.guess both of us wanted to have more time by ourselves but couldnt.thats alrite.we have many more days ahead to spend time with each other.days?thats a countable noun..

things're well btw us.and i'm glad.
we've gone thru much together to get to where we are today.

but still that doesnt stop me frm keepin my eyes closed to choices.

*pics are up.

viewing
pleasure
pleases
me.

last weekend..

fri.
all these while,i thought e comms ball was on fri.and it's such a typical june-situation when i found out only on e day itself that it was tmr!rite after making my appointments for hair n makeup.grrr.cld kill my date for tt.and he cld do was laugh excessively abt this.really.he's just such a bundle of laughters.horrendously loud ones.nah i'm only exaggerating.
met e-boy-i-can-finally-call-my-own.my baby.who was gettin insanely and adorably jealous over this whole ball thing.havent seen him for a wk n it was killin me.was supposed to be studyin together(yes with books!) but his mom persuaded us to watch passion of e christ with her.very apt.on a good friday.easy persuasion for me cos yesyes,i'm gaining plus points with e mom haha.was intending to catch e show soon anyway.was really painful to watch.esp e sound effects..e tearing of e skin..unbearable.went bk to his place n had dinner with his parents.so i was left alone at e dinner table with his mom n dad while he was in e kitchen making e japanese steamed egg for me.my fave!had 2 of those while dining at sakae sushi on our 1st date.awww i remember.my boy claims his are by far e best.better than sakae sushi's.oh yeah i'm sure.so while he was sweatin away in e kitchen chopping n slicing century eggs(my fave!) and i dunno what else he was including in e steamed eggs,i was on my best behavior at e dinner table.legs nicely tucked behind e chair.table manners all in place.no noisy slurpings.such a demure lil girl.his parents kept askin me to try this eat tt n of cos i cant refuse.so much food at e table n all cooked by e dad.impressive.e fish head curry n fried beehoon were superb n i'm not sayin tt to gain more points or what not.haha but it really pleased e mom when i told her tt e food was good.kaching kaching more points added.to hear his parents finally addressing me as their son's gf..makes this rship feel so much more secure.
finally.e steamed egg was ready.to see him putting in so much effort just to make me a dish tt he knows will delight me,makes it e yummiest dish ever.food cooked with love.oh well.in end it dint turn out as well as he had expected it to be.but i thought it was e best ever.i tasted love.and that was enough.but he was so full of disappointment.he wanted it to be perfect.told him tt it was really yummy n he thinks im coaxing.my silly boy..:)

sat.
e highly anticipated occasion finally arrived.and e mix up of dates merely heightened e anticipation.got hair n makeup done.felt like a princess to be fussed n made over for e day.had curly wurls for e nite.not exactly used to seeing myself with curly wurls ever since pri sch,when i wld force my mom to tie my hair into tight plaits n sleep in them n wake up e next day with much joy to see tt i had curly wurls.hair n makeup were adorned by e pretty bebe dress and e ball finally commenced.saw familiar faces at e dinner.faces frm ij, cj and hearsay.had foie gras for appetiser.what wld you expect frm raffles hotel but small portions of opulent delicacies.well well ms spore was there attending e ball as someone's date.another unknown finalist was there as well.and well well what can i say?these ladies arent getting enough attention so they took part in some game segment.some mr ocs pageant thingey n e ladies had to pose a qn to their dates.surprise surprise.ms spore asked her date e exact same qn that she was asked at e finals.not e i-love-popiah one but e advice to e daughter yada yada.it appeared to most ard our table tt she was trying to bring us to awareness or casually reminding all tt hey she was ms spore,in case we were wondering.dinner was good..despite e small portions of eveything.good things come in small packages i'm sure.went clubbing at new asia bar after e dinner.ladies entered for free.whee.e view frm e 72nd floor was breathtaking.felt very elevated.shared e special view gazing moment with my date.looking down upon n pointing out e expressways,e monuments,e buildings,e little cars,e riviera was..nice.was lost in e moment while it lasted.magical.loved it.
it was a nite to remember.loved everything abt e nite.had alot to think abt.but thinking too much doesnt serve any good either.

i'm watchin you
watch over me.
and i've got
e greatest view frm here..

took many pics.wld be up soon.stay tuned.

we've only just begun to live
white lace and promises
a kiss for luck n we're on our way
we've only just begun....

it's unreal.
to hear e things frm u tt ive nv imagined u telling me.
like how much i affect u.
how impt i am to u.
how u cant afford to lose me.
tt u want me to be urs.
for now.
for good.
for long.
but i cant say forever.
and it was not being able to give you e promise of a forever
which woke you up frm your unsensing senses
jolted you out of your reverie
n brought you to realisation.
this pleases me somehow-e establishment of a status confirmation.
sth tt ive always wanted frm you.
to know tt you need me, tt you want me in your life as much as i do.
to know tt you're getting jealous at e smallest details brings me sadistic joy n delight.
cos tt to me, shows tt you care.
yet somehow i've got this nagging suspicion tt we're bk together for e wrong reasons.
sth feels strange n i cant seem to pinpoint what.
not putting much into this.
e defence mechanism is working up yet again
mental preparation all prepped up
as if expecting you to screw things up any moment.

my left eye's twitching.
not good.

i just had a taste of his jealousy.
and it was simply delish.
licking my lips
savouring while it lasts.

jealousy is a lovely dish.
an absolute aphrodisiac.

i just had to bring it to his awareness
that he's not e only one vying for my attention.
this time ard he has to prove to me what he had promised to deliver.
cos i'm damn sick of e lip service.
pucker up baby.

for e first time, i heard e desperation in your voice,
begging me to stay,
begging me not to leave.
thanking me once n again for e efforts ive made
telling me tt you're so grateful for all tt ive done
trying so damn hard to redeem yourself.
promising me tt frm now on you're gonna be making efforts
tt you wanna make things work.

for e first time, i heard e sadness in your voice.
when you felt tt e passion btw us has faded
when you felt tt i was avoiding you
pushing you away
not caring anymore
not bothering at all.
and when i said i didnt believe you,
i cant believe you were close to tears.

and when you hugged me,
in such a tight embrace
as if you were afraid i was going to leave you any moment
just when i was intending to.
for e first time, i felt your fear.

for once you're weak.
for once i'm stronger.

for now i'll feed on your vulnerabilities.
and enjoy your deprivations.
i know you too well.
i knew you wld crave in desperation.
and i was right.

"..seems what you say is true, i feel e same way too
see i've waited all night long, just to dance with you
and when you touched my hand, i knew you were e man
to turn my world around, and make my dreams come true
e magic in your eyes, made me realize
that everything i feel, has got to be real
we danced and fell in love,
on a slow jam.

play another slow jam,
this time make it sweet.
on a slow jam,
for my baby
and for me.

i've been trying find someone who
i could give my good loving to
never ever did i dream i'd find someone
i've been trying to find someone too
i prayed to heaven, and then i found you
i swear i fell in love the night you
danced into my heart..."

slow jam-usher n monica

cant stop listening to slow jam.
such a beautiful duet.
swoons.
my ultimate fantasy is to dance with tt special someone to slow jam.
he doesnt have to be e king of swings or master of grooves.
i dont even care if he has zero coordination when it comes to dancing.
i just want to place my head on his shoulders
and feel e pressure of his head resting on mine.
as he wraps me in a warm embrace
with hands ard my waist where i love it best.
my hands ard his neck
my fingers running thru his hair.
his fingers stroking my hair
his touch sending tingles down my back.
so totally immersed in this sheer smoothness of e song,
we sway ever so gently to e tenderness of this tune.
to be able to feel his breath on mine
brings me to an incredible emotional high.
i'll get so lost in him
i dont ever want to be found..

gosh im getting so carried away with my fatal fantasizing.
but even as i'm picturing that very moment,
i feel this overwhelming rush of warmth n anticipation,
as if this was going to happen soon.
not with him.
it never was.
but with someone new
someone special.
and i dont even know who that is.
i wish i knew but damn it's a blurred image.
perhaps it's best not to know.
till e day you've found me
i'll know it's you that i've been expecting when i feel this indescribable warmth that you're already providing me with,
as if assuring me that you've been with me all these time while i was lost in ignorance.

oh but what e hell.
not like you exist anyway.
pui.

sprouting nonsense is an evident indication when one is high on exhaustion.
wasted.
zzz.

compensation is e word of the year.
e word i'm gonna adhere to frm now on.
you can wrong me in any manner you wish.
you can use me
abuse me.
ill treat or cheat.
stray and betray.
but e least i shd receive is some compensation.
have yet to be compensated all these yrs.
even after i've given my all
scraped e walls of my heart,just to provide you with what i've already given.
perhaps you're just e one and only remaining hopeless case.
you can say i've given up on you.
e only person in your life who evens bothers abt you
will leave for good.
pains me to know that even after 2yrs,u still dont know me at all.
if it's only till i'm gone
then you'll realise my value n absolute devotion that was once in abundance,
i'm pleased to announce
that i cant wait to see you crave in desperation.

e day's finally gonna be over n done with.
nv had any expectations of what e day wld turn out to be.
just a simple affair.
yet i dont know why there's so much displeasure raging thru me.
day started off pretty well when he picked me up frm home just to send me to sch.
and he was tired frm work e day before.
after my test he picked me up frm sch n went to his place.
then he cooked for me.
i cld really see e effort put in.
like e hand squeezed orange juice.
e fish n chips.
e steamed asparagus.
but i dont know why i cant seem to appreciate it.
i do actually..but not extensive.
like perhaps i expected more?
material wise?
i cant seem to figure out.
i cant seem to figure out what is it i'm so displeased abt.
i cant seem to figure out what is it that i exactly want frm him.
maybe i'm not so satisfied with simplicity anymore.
no more satisfaction.

i'm hating this.
best part of it is that i dont even know what this is.
but pretty soon i'll be back to normality again.

and that wld be...?

i've revamped!
no more naked mermaid.
no more pinks.
no more pale prints.
e technology idiot has emerged frm her cave.
so hows e new look?
puke out your thoughts n share 'em with me.

we're celebrating vday for e first time.
he wanted fine dining
but i decided agst it.
it's just another saturday.
just another day.
no big deal.
his company is all tt matters.
even if we were to dine at a hawker center
having mee hoon kuay n milo ping
i'd be satisfied.

another week has come and almost gone.
cant wait for survivor all stars tonight!rob mariano=e one in cute red board berms=e construction worker=e most yummilicious man ever on survivor.plus he's such a bad boy.oooh lovely.i like.make it i LOVE.i love taming naughty boys like him.he's such a feast to e eyes.i melt each n every time i see him.most of e time i'm mentally stripping him..he's already half naked anyway so tt makes my job a lil easier.:) leave me alone now.shall let my fatal fantasies flood my mind for now.tingles.

it's lovely
knowing that you're still making me smile at e lil actions that you do.
may have been small n insignificant
but i may just be bursting with joy.
yet i know not to elevate my elations
anticipating when you'll burst this beautiful bubble that you blew for me.
for now
i'll just fly till where this bubble mite carry me

hopefully next to you.

pls give me
someone to love
someone to touch
someone to hold
someone to know

pls let it be you.

"..if i never feel you in my arms again
if i never feel your tender kiss again
if i never hear I love you now and then
will i never make love to you once again
please understand if love ends
then i promise you, i promise you
that, that i shall never breathe again.."

listening to:breathe again- toni braxton
mood: mellon-cholic

shit.am beginning to feel needy again.is it cos my period's coming?ha irrelevance.
e weeks's been pretty pleasant.been spending quite some time together with him.seeing each other quite a bit.all at once,i feel that i dont want any other distractions in my life.i dont anyone else 'cept him.oh no not good.
shall keep on dreaming
such fatal fantasies.

you're dangerous
i'm lovin' it.

addictions:
1. britney's toxic
sing it with me!
..with a taste of your lips
i'm on a ride
you're toxic
i'm slipping under
a taste of a poison paradise
i'm addicted to you
don't you know that you're toxic
and i love what you do
but you know that you're toxic..

oh yeah i can feel all of ya heavily groovin with me to this.

2. green stuff (i.e. green is e color to enhance e peach blossomy luck for all born under e rat.)
3. your attentions
4. you

i think i understand why some seek joy in self mutilation.
slitting their wrists
enjoying while their blood runs dry.
fear not i'm not one of those.
but i finally understand,
that we were one and e same
thrilled by e pain that we get.

but not anymore.
i deserve pleasures.
not pain.

"..some of them want to use you
some of them want to be used by you.

some of them want to abuse you
some of them want to be abused.."

e latter serves as a better choice.

"..too many hearts are broken
a lover's promise never came with a maybe
so many words are left unspoken
the silent voices are driving me crazy
after all the pain you caused me
making up could never be your intention
you'll never know how much you hurt me
stay can't you see that

i wanna fall from the stars
straight into your arms
i,
i feel you
i hope you comprehend.."

stars-simply red

it was e comfort of the snuggles
that devoured me
making me feel i cld spend e rest of my life
waking up next to you.

i hate this.

anyway,
it feels strange going out for a first date.
a first time in a long time.
it was fun nonetheless despite e rainy day.
another episode of e slippery slipper.

i welcome distractions with open arms.
come to me.

"..did you know when you go
it's the perfect ending
to the bad day i've gotten used to spending
when you go all i know is
you're my favorite mistake.."

my favourite mistake-sheryl crow

everything abt you has taken its toll on me.
so sick of it.
sick of you.
i cant even puke out my grievances
cos you made me so void
so empty inside.

i'm sorry i loved you
i'm sorry that i still do.
everything we had was a mistake.

my favourite mistake.