i get so weak in the knees
i can hardly speak
i lose all control
and something takes over me.

last nite,i dreamt tt sillybaby n i were gonna get married.on e 8th of june to be very exact.that's like 12 days frm now, 4 days frm my birthday.there was no knee on grd proposal or anything.sure didnt remember seeing any kringkring diamond being put on my ring finger.all e dream consisted was us preparing for e upcoming wedding reception.leng n vannie played cameos.cant remember what they were doing.anyway i kept asking him in e dream why were we getting married so early when we both have no money.he said we shd get married soon on e 8th of june cos it's in e pink of june.exact words frm him in e dream.as in e pink of health?shrugs man no idea what tt meant.remembered having lotsa doubts abt us getting married so soon but he wldnt take no for an answer.also remember wearing a white satin bustier gown while preparing for e reception.my fat boy was alot slimmer in e dream.oh yes n we were happily kissing while discussing abt plans for e reception with someone.damn strange.

intepretation frm dreammoods:
Wedding
To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition. Dreams involving weddings are generally negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence.

Kiss
To dream of a kiss,denotes love,affection,tranquility,harmony,and contentment.

woke up thking maybe this dream of us getting married,e beginning of life spent together as one,is foreshadowing a plausible end to e rship.tt perhaps it'll end on 8th of june,e supposed date of marriage in e dream.talked to him abt it just now n we were laughing abt it.somehow i've got a bad feeling abt this.shit.wish i didnt remember e vivid details of e dream cos now it has def got me thking way too much.am negative now.oh well it's all just a silly dream eh.havent seen him for 3days tt's why.sillybaby had a dream last nite too.of his friend jonathan n a giant tarantular and oh yes,he also dreamt of his ex girlfriend/e one i hate e most(!!!)/e one i detest so much(!!!)/e bitchslut-ihateher.*curses.yeah tt one.*curses.shant mention e name cos i hate e sound of it.he dreamt tt she said hi to him n cldnt remember anything else.rite.so i dreamt of a marriage n he dreamt of tt creature?!?!how pleasantly nice!and tt got me so worked up but once n again he got so amused by my pettiness n how worked up i was.petty meh?i just dont like it.and it's as if she'll always be an element of his past tt'll continue to haunt.i'm hating it.sillybaby has alot of reassuring to do.

sniffles.caught a cold again.i wish i cld chop off e damn nose now!grrrr.damn annoying.
my sweetest sillybaby bought me supper frm chomps last nite.he knew i was starving so he bought me charkuayteow n extra packet of taugay n cockles n brought e foodie to my hse.super yummy.aha n later at nite over e fone he told me that was my bday present.rite.my boyfriend's got a weird sense of humour eh.just like me.hiakhiakhiak.
not gonna be seeing my sillybaby much anymore cos he's a busy busy boy now.so i shall be a busy busy girl too so i wont have to miss him much.

ten more days to my birthday,in case you're wondering.
a very casual reminder to all.

update at 9.26pm:
miracle!after talkin to alvi on e phone,my nose has stopped running!completely stopped.no more sick june anymore.yippee!alvi is my remedy.alvi always makes me feel better.alvi makes june a happy girl.june loves talkin to her alvi.alvi is my baby and i is loving alvi very much.lovelovelove.all for you,alvi.:)
and also,thks to my susan for providing me with tons of tissues.and also torturing me while i'm at your hse.

fourth of june is a very special day.

ewww.blogger has chged its layout n it's how grosse n childish.for a moment i thought i went to nickolodeon.com instead.

lookback at e wk's happenings.

tues.
went shoppin with little flower n susan before e flower returned to msia.so many things i wanna buy but no money!listen up.my birthday's in 2weeks so everybody better start saving up.went sim lim sq with e-darling-of-mine n watched van helsing afterwards.not bad a show tho my baby n i got kinda bored n distracted but nonetheless it was not bad.pleasant day.full of smiles.am happy to be with him.:).smiles some more.:)

wed.
pukes-a-plenty at zouk.
gosh.for e first damn time i drank so excessively much that i puked all over a place.not that i can recall where i puked.zouk was damn packed.contemplated on not entering when i saw e snake long queues.oh well but it's been a looooong time since i clubbed with my lovelies:van,cillia,elaine n elise.consumptions for e nite:hot n sticky-one n half glasses.2 jugs of whisky cokes btw us.a bottle of e33 to elevate e high.and more fast n furious sips of long island for e insanely subconsious.my goodness.cant really recall much of e nite except everyone was highhighhigh.skyhigh till we puked to low grds.and saw certain somebody whom i dont have a liking for anymore aft tt nite.oh yes another thing i can recall is an unbelievably nice stranger who sent me hm.
to mr dan(hope i got e name rite)..dont thk u'll be seeing this but gosh you are such a weirdo.i hardly know you but you sent me home.to my doorstep even.and wasted your time at my carpark while i puked n ranted at you for sending me hm.are you insane?why,you paid for my cab fare, patted my back while i puked, make sure i got hm safe..boy are you strange.oh well i shall take heed Channel NewsAsia's Pay It Forward movement.you did such a good deed of sending me hm n taking care of me whilst i was not stable n conscious n mental,and put up with my scoldings which you didnt deserve.you are a good citizen.i shall pay e good deed forward.thanks once again.

thurs.
wasnt walking strt when i woke up.horrible hangover.horrible feeling.looked horrid too.blech.had lunch with my beloveds leng n van at leng's hse.dinner at bukit timah's boon tong kee with elaine n van.grrr.took e wrong bus hm n ended up at bloody boon lay without a single cent!took cab hm in e end which was how expensive.heart very pain.

fri.
finally had my tanning done with a someone whose identity i shalt not disclose.you know who you are.:).glad you shared your life with me.i hope for e best that's yet to come.love ya.:)
met him later in e evening.had another disagreement yet again.and that got me thinking alot once again.as a chinese saying goes."talkin abt money hurts e feelings ah."
well it's not like i expect you to pay for me all e time.i do offer too just that you've conveniently forgotten.and i do not always rely on your car.i've travelled to your place on my own many times before you had your car.our differences are so evidently strong.and i really hope we can put them aside n work on us instead.i want this to work out.really do.but i know some day this will end cos everything in this world has an expiry date.
i shouldn't be having doubts but i am.
thinkin that perhaps
i really am a material girl livin in a material world.
which girl doesn't love to be pampered?
but i'm not expecting anything frm you at all.
your love is much desired than all e riches n diors/guccis that i can lay my hands on.
i want you
and i already have.

i don't know what else i shd expect n want anymore, knowing perfectly well that expectations end up in a poof of disappointments.
don't understand what i'm saying?
i don't either.

*new pics.

accting paper today was like fuck.
sigh.
hatehatehate it.

your parting lips that wrapped me up
in promised company
now mumble
that each breath i take
takes from the air you breathe..

seeking solace frm e comfort i receive in abundance
frm my love
e-one-i-can-finally-call-mineminemine.
e assurances that you've provided me
are enough to last me
a lifetime of happiness.
now with e walls of defense torn down
we're bound together
in a sealed embrace.
i'm truly happy
being yours.

a silly fight is e expression of some deeper issue.

horoscope predicted tt on fri n my-oh-my how accurate it was.
we fought.
more of fierce exchange of words with so much emotions involved tt hurtful words nv felt so painful to hear.
and e obvious lack of vital communication
has caused him to misunderstand, misconstrue n misintepret my tone of voice as one of disinterest n of scorn.
e constant barrier put up to prevent e erosion of a required protection,
e holdin backs,
e refusals to put in completely in this rship,
have led him to believe tt i wasnt serious abt us at all.
and for once i hurt him so incredibly
tt i saw a different side of him tt ive nv seen before.
e weak n vulnerable
e hurting n e lonely
e neglected n e lorn
e false fronts of strength underneath tt stiff stoutness
shattered by e gravity of a silly misunderstanding.

and it scared me to know tt i had almost singlehandedly ruined everything
worst of all
almost losing him.

making up is e best part to a fight.
n to hear his frail plead of not to hurt him again
e look in his eyes desperately screaming out e need for my undivided attention n affections
to hear e three words i hardly hear frm him
makes tt moment so deliciously sweet.
bringing us to a whole new level of togetherness.

chg of game plans.

pettypettypetty u!
pissed.crossed.n mad at u!
not upset not even boohoo sad but damndamn pissed!
gosh just cos i chose studyin over u e nite before
despite ur burning desire to meet me n wantin to spend time with me
cldnt u wait a lil longer?
i missed u too u know
wanted to see u just as much
besides havent we already made plans to study today?
so u go ahead n meet another just cos i cant meet u.
am fine with everything but cant help noticing ur deliberate choice of friend to meet.
wtf.so i have a substitute?!
so now u go ahead, engrossed in ur pettiness
n not botherin with meetin me today as we had planned.
chk ur phone to see 1 missed call frm me.
i made e first forgiving move.ive done what i shd have done.
not gonna follow suit ur childish misdeameanor.

ur behavior has totally justified all e wrongs i had committed in e midst of this rship.
no longer guilt trippin anymore.

we're quits now.

sudden urge to blog.

yesterday was my baby's birthday.for once i didnt get him anything for his bday.wanted to get him absolut vanilla but hmmm wld rather get it at duty free charges.budgetbudget.wanted to get him a phone since his old 8250 drowned its existence away in e33, but nah he didnt want me to spend on him.he told me i was his birthday gift.awww.what a sweet tongued LIAR.haha besides i've already spent a bit on another's present.tsk me.went to his hse for dinner.went there early thought i cld be of some help in e kitchen to help his sis n maid.felt so helpless there cos e women in his hsehold are such good cooks n i'm a ridiculously useless cook cos i hardly cook at all.no way i cld have a way to his heart thru his stomach.gotta use other means then hiakhiakhiak.so in e end all that i did in e kitchen was cutting e vegetables with scissors,mixing e drinks and setting e table.how helpful.dinner started when his friends came over.was just a small affair considering it's his 21st.he didnt wanna celebrate it with a big hooha cos to him it's just another day.during cake cutting, cld see that his parents still saw e bigsizedboy as a little toddler with a party hat on e head.e cake,i mite add, was his fave since young.awww aint tt cute?went for movies after that.starsky n hutch.lame show with a salvaging soundtrack.still diggin' e 70's groovin'.e farrah fawcetted hairdos(my all time fave), e loud n hippish attire, e radical save-e-dolphins 'tude..love e 70s!sidetrack sidetrack.he said all that mattered to him was my presence.guess both of us wanted to have more time by ourselves but couldnt.thats alrite.we have many more days ahead to spend time with each other.days?thats a countable noun..

things're well btw us.and i'm glad.
we've gone thru much together to get to where we are today.

but still that doesnt stop me frm keepin my eyes closed to choices.

*pics are up.

viewing
pleasure
pleases
me.

last weekend..

fri.
all these while,i thought e comms ball was on fri.and it's such a typical june-situation when i found out only on e day itself that it was tmr!rite after making my appointments for hair n makeup.grrr.cld kill my date for tt.and he cld do was laugh excessively abt this.really.he's just such a bundle of laughters.horrendously loud ones.nah i'm only exaggerating.
met e-boy-i-can-finally-call-my-own.my baby.who was gettin insanely and adorably jealous over this whole ball thing.havent seen him for a wk n it was killin me.was supposed to be studyin together(yes with books!) but his mom persuaded us to watch passion of e christ with her.very apt.on a good friday.easy persuasion for me cos yesyes,i'm gaining plus points with e mom haha.was intending to catch e show soon anyway.was really painful to watch.esp e sound effects..e tearing of e skin..unbearable.went bk to his place n had dinner with his parents.so i was left alone at e dinner table with his mom n dad while he was in e kitchen making e japanese steamed egg for me.my fave!had 2 of those while dining at sakae sushi on our 1st date.awww i remember.my boy claims his are by far e best.better than sakae sushi's.oh yeah i'm sure.so while he was sweatin away in e kitchen chopping n slicing century eggs(my fave!) and i dunno what else he was including in e steamed eggs,i was on my best behavior at e dinner table.legs nicely tucked behind e chair.table manners all in place.no noisy slurpings.such a demure lil girl.his parents kept askin me to try this eat tt n of cos i cant refuse.so much food at e table n all cooked by e dad.impressive.e fish head curry n fried beehoon were superb n i'm not sayin tt to gain more points or what not.haha but it really pleased e mom when i told her tt e food was good.kaching kaching more points added.to hear his parents finally addressing me as their son's gf..makes this rship feel so much more secure.
finally.e steamed egg was ready.to see him putting in so much effort just to make me a dish tt he knows will delight me,makes it e yummiest dish ever.food cooked with love.oh well.in end it dint turn out as well as he had expected it to be.but i thought it was e best ever.i tasted love.and that was enough.but he was so full of disappointment.he wanted it to be perfect.told him tt it was really yummy n he thinks im coaxing.my silly boy..:)

sat.
e highly anticipated occasion finally arrived.and e mix up of dates merely heightened e anticipation.got hair n makeup done.felt like a princess to be fussed n made over for e day.had curly wurls for e nite.not exactly used to seeing myself with curly wurls ever since pri sch,when i wld force my mom to tie my hair into tight plaits n sleep in them n wake up e next day with much joy to see tt i had curly wurls.hair n makeup were adorned by e pretty bebe dress and e ball finally commenced.saw familiar faces at e dinner.faces frm ij, cj and hearsay.had foie gras for appetiser.what wld you expect frm raffles hotel but small portions of opulent delicacies.well well ms spore was there attending e ball as someone's date.another unknown finalist was there as well.and well well what can i say?these ladies arent getting enough attention so they took part in some game segment.some mr ocs pageant thingey n e ladies had to pose a qn to their dates.surprise surprise.ms spore asked her date e exact same qn that she was asked at e finals.not e i-love-popiah one but e advice to e daughter yada yada.it appeared to most ard our table tt she was trying to bring us to awareness or casually reminding all tt hey she was ms spore,in case we were wondering.dinner was good..despite e small portions of eveything.good things come in small packages i'm sure.went clubbing at new asia bar after e dinner.ladies entered for free.whee.e view frm e 72nd floor was breathtaking.felt very elevated.shared e special view gazing moment with my date.looking down upon n pointing out e expressways,e monuments,e buildings,e little cars,e riviera was..nice.was lost in e moment while it lasted.magical.loved it.
it was a nite to remember.loved everything abt e nite.had alot to think abt.but thinking too much doesnt serve any good either.

i'm watchin you
watch over me.
and i've got
e greatest view frm here..

took many pics.wld be up soon.stay tuned.

we've only just begun to live
white lace and promises
a kiss for luck n we're on our way
we've only just begun....

it's unreal.
to hear e things frm u tt ive nv imagined u telling me.
like how much i affect u.
how impt i am to u.
how u cant afford to lose me.
tt u want me to be urs.
for now.
for good.
for long.
but i cant say forever.
and it was not being able to give you e promise of a forever
which woke you up frm your unsensing senses
jolted you out of your reverie
n brought you to realisation.
this pleases me somehow-e establishment of a status confirmation.
sth tt ive always wanted frm you.
to know tt you need me, tt you want me in your life as much as i do.
to know tt you're getting jealous at e smallest details brings me sadistic joy n delight.
cos tt to me, shows tt you care.
yet somehow i've got this nagging suspicion tt we're bk together for e wrong reasons.
sth feels strange n i cant seem to pinpoint what.
not putting much into this.
e defence mechanism is working up yet again
mental preparation all prepped up
as if expecting you to screw things up any moment.

my left eye's twitching.
not good.

i just had a taste of his jealousy.
and it was simply delish.
licking my lips
savouring while it lasts.

jealousy is a lovely dish.
an absolute aphrodisiac.

i just had to bring it to his awareness
that he's not e only one vying for my attention.
this time ard he has to prove to me what he had promised to deliver.
cos i'm damn sick of e lip service.
pucker up baby.

for e first time, i heard e desperation in your voice,
begging me to stay,
begging me not to leave.
thanking me once n again for e efforts ive made
telling me tt you're so grateful for all tt ive done
trying so damn hard to redeem yourself.
promising me tt frm now on you're gonna be making efforts
tt you wanna make things work.

for e first time, i heard e sadness in your voice.
when you felt tt e passion btw us has faded
when you felt tt i was avoiding you
pushing you away
not caring anymore
not bothering at all.
and when i said i didnt believe you,
i cant believe you were close to tears.

and when you hugged me,
in such a tight embrace
as if you were afraid i was going to leave you any moment
just when i was intending to.
for e first time, i felt your fear.

for once you're weak.
for once i'm stronger.

for now i'll feed on your vulnerabilities.
and enjoy your deprivations.
i know you too well.
i knew you wld crave in desperation.
and i was right.

"..seems what you say is true, i feel e same way too
see i've waited all night long, just to dance with you
and when you touched my hand, i knew you were e man
to turn my world around, and make my dreams come true
e magic in your eyes, made me realize
that everything i feel, has got to be real
we danced and fell in love,
on a slow jam.

play another slow jam,
this time make it sweet.
on a slow jam,
for my baby
and for me.

i've been trying find someone who
i could give my good loving to
never ever did i dream i'd find someone
i've been trying to find someone too
i prayed to heaven, and then i found you
i swear i fell in love the night you
danced into my heart..."

slow jam-usher n monica

cant stop listening to slow jam.
such a beautiful duet.
swoons.
my ultimate fantasy is to dance with tt special someone to slow jam.
he doesnt have to be e king of swings or master of grooves.
i dont even care if he has zero coordination when it comes to dancing.
i just want to place my head on his shoulders
and feel e pressure of his head resting on mine.
as he wraps me in a warm embrace
with hands ard my waist where i love it best.
my hands ard his neck
my fingers running thru his hair.
his fingers stroking my hair
his touch sending tingles down my back.
so totally immersed in this sheer smoothness of e song,
we sway ever so gently to e tenderness of this tune.
to be able to feel his breath on mine
brings me to an incredible emotional high.
i'll get so lost in him
i dont ever want to be found..

gosh im getting so carried away with my fatal fantasizing.
but even as i'm picturing that very moment,
i feel this overwhelming rush of warmth n anticipation,
as if this was going to happen soon.
not with him.
it never was.
but with someone new
someone special.
and i dont even know who that is.
i wish i knew but damn it's a blurred image.
perhaps it's best not to know.
till e day you've found me
i'll know it's you that i've been expecting when i feel this indescribable warmth that you're already providing me with,
as if assuring me that you've been with me all these time while i was lost in ignorance.

oh but what e hell.
not like you exist anyway.
pui.

sprouting nonsense is an evident indication when one is high on exhaustion.
wasted.
zzz.

compensation is e word of the year.
e word i'm gonna adhere to frm now on.
you can wrong me in any manner you wish.
you can use me
abuse me.
ill treat or cheat.
stray and betray.
but e least i shd receive is some compensation.
have yet to be compensated all these yrs.
even after i've given my all
scraped e walls of my heart,just to provide you with what i've already given.
perhaps you're just e one and only remaining hopeless case.
you can say i've given up on you.
e only person in your life who evens bothers abt you
will leave for good.
pains me to know that even after 2yrs,u still dont know me at all.
if it's only till i'm gone
then you'll realise my value n absolute devotion that was once in abundance,
i'm pleased to announce
that i cant wait to see you crave in desperation.

e day's finally gonna be over n done with.
nv had any expectations of what e day wld turn out to be.
just a simple affair.
yet i dont know why there's so much displeasure raging thru me.
day started off pretty well when he picked me up frm home just to send me to sch.
and he was tired frm work e day before.
after my test he picked me up frm sch n went to his place.
then he cooked for me.
i cld really see e effort put in.
like e hand squeezed orange juice.
e fish n chips.
e steamed asparagus.
but i dont know why i cant seem to appreciate it.
i do actually..but not extensive.
like perhaps i expected more?
material wise?
i cant seem to figure out.
i cant seem to figure out what is it i'm so displeased abt.
i cant seem to figure out what is it that i exactly want frm him.
maybe i'm not so satisfied with simplicity anymore.
no more satisfaction.

i'm hating this.
best part of it is that i dont even know what this is.
but pretty soon i'll be back to normality again.

and that wld be...?

i've revamped!
no more naked mermaid.
no more pinks.
no more pale prints.
e technology idiot has emerged frm her cave.
so hows e new look?
puke out your thoughts n share 'em with me.

we're celebrating vday for e first time.
he wanted fine dining
but i decided agst it.
it's just another saturday.
just another day.
no big deal.
his company is all tt matters.
even if we were to dine at a hawker center
having mee hoon kuay n milo ping
i'd be satisfied.

another week has come and almost gone.
cant wait for survivor all stars tonight!rob mariano=e one in cute red board berms=e construction worker=e most yummilicious man ever on survivor.plus he's such a bad boy.oooh lovely.i like.make it i LOVE.i love taming naughty boys like him.he's such a feast to e eyes.i melt each n every time i see him.most of e time i'm mentally stripping him..he's already half naked anyway so tt makes my job a lil easier.:) leave me alone now.shall let my fatal fantasies flood my mind for now.tingles.

it's lovely
knowing that you're still making me smile at e lil actions that you do.
may have been small n insignificant
but i may just be bursting with joy.
yet i know not to elevate my elations
anticipating when you'll burst this beautiful bubble that you blew for me.
for now
i'll just fly till where this bubble mite carry me

hopefully next to you.

pls give me
someone to love
someone to touch
someone to hold
someone to know

pls let it be you.

"..if i never feel you in my arms again
if i never feel your tender kiss again
if i never hear I love you now and then
will i never make love to you once again
please understand if love ends
then i promise you, i promise you
that, that i shall never breathe again.."

listening to:breathe again- toni braxton
mood: mellon-cholic

shit.am beginning to feel needy again.is it cos my period's coming?ha irrelevance.
e weeks's been pretty pleasant.been spending quite some time together with him.seeing each other quite a bit.all at once,i feel that i dont want any other distractions in my life.i dont anyone else 'cept him.oh no not good.
shall keep on dreaming
such fatal fantasies.

you're dangerous
i'm lovin' it.

addictions:
1. britney's toxic
sing it with me!
..with a taste of your lips
i'm on a ride
you're toxic
i'm slipping under
a taste of a poison paradise
i'm addicted to you
don't you know that you're toxic
and i love what you do
but you know that you're toxic..

oh yeah i can feel all of ya heavily groovin with me to this.

2. green stuff (i.e. green is e color to enhance e peach blossomy luck for all born under e rat.)
3. your attentions
4. you

i think i understand why some seek joy in self mutilation.
slitting their wrists
enjoying while their blood runs dry.
fear not i'm not one of those.
but i finally understand,
that we were one and e same
thrilled by e pain that we get.

but not anymore.
i deserve pleasures.
not pain.

"..some of them want to use you
some of them want to be used by you.

some of them want to abuse you
some of them want to be abused.."

e latter serves as a better choice.

"..too many hearts are broken
a lover's promise never came with a maybe
so many words are left unspoken
the silent voices are driving me crazy
after all the pain you caused me
making up could never be your intention
you'll never know how much you hurt me
stay can't you see that

i wanna fall from the stars
straight into your arms
i,
i feel you
i hope you comprehend.."

stars-simply red

it was e comfort of the snuggles
that devoured me
making me feel i cld spend e rest of my life
waking up next to you.

i hate this.

anyway,
it feels strange going out for a first date.
a first time in a long time.
it was fun nonetheless despite e rainy day.
another episode of e slippery slipper.

i welcome distractions with open arms.
come to me.