i think i feel my cheeks ballooning. just like a puffer fish. bloop bloop bloop. i ate so so much today. burps. honey stars, sze chuan hot and sour soup, indian rojak, creamy mushroom pasta, and a box of ferrero rochers( a teachers' day gift for me from little nicholas. awww..isn't he such a sweetie?). yums. but i hardly feel bloated at all, even after downing water to digest e food. nonetheless, everything was yums. *licks lips*
a food fest. all in e comfort of my own home.
as usual, i didn't step out of my house today. which means i cooked most of what i ate, namely e soup and e pasta. hard to believe eh. well believe it. my culinary skills have improved.. slightly. everything was edible. and was very yummy. i'm pleased with myself. :)

just watched jerry mcguire. oh yes. several times i had e urge to just burst out crying. i wish i cld once again, believe that love still exists. i feel that e words 'i love you' are beginning to sound too far-fetched. some say them for e sake of saying. others don't even know who they're saying to. most don't know who they really are. these three words are beginning not to mean anything to me anymore.
unless someone can step forth,
and prove me wrong.
perhaps i'm just feeling too void inside.

why do we hurt we hurt each other?
why do we push love away?

some people work things out.
some just don't know how to change.

sing along with me now:
thought you needed needed someone true
but you changed your mind or had I failed you?
wished you've been careful with my heart
but you tore it apart and broke an angel's heart.
i guess what's true has an end somewhow
but i'm living proof of what love is about.
it's hard holding you loving you losing you
it's sad to be true and be fooled by you
i don't know i wanna know
should i stay or should i go?
you played me on
played me like a clown.
but i feel for you
even though i'm down.
my heart is heavy
heavy like a rock
but i'm so amused
you're still in my thoughts.

nights are lonely
days are so sad.
just keep thinking abt
e love that we had.
i'm missing you
and nobody knows it but me.

i remember
i reminise
i think back on e happier times.
it's time to let go
it's time to forget
it's time to give others e chance you once had.

you said to me before,
you'd give up forever to touch me
cause you knew that i'd feel you somehow.
i was e closest to heaven
that you'll ever be
and you didn't wanna go home right then.
and all that you could taste was that moment
and all you could breathe was my life.
cause sooner or later it was over
and you didn't wanna miss me that night.

over.
past tensed per.verse .

just bought myself a new pair of shades.
from now on i shall view e world with tinted vision.
e world isn't as colourful as it seems to be.
it never has been.

just came back from little nicholas' house. little boys just have the shortest attention span ever. and as patient as i always am (though it was wearing very thin then), i merely told him to keep still and to concentrate in a firm tone and by bribing him that i wont buy him sweets if he continues being such a naughty boy. his uncle saw that he was misbehaving and pulled his ear till it was red! ouch! to me, violence or inflicting pain just aint right. but i guess boys need to be disciplined at a young age or else they'll cultivate to become little bastards. rotten harvests. i felt e pain in my heart when nicky tried so hard not to cry in front of me when tears were already brimming in his eyes. quite a male ego for a 6yr old boy yeah. i cant help it but have e softest spots for little boys. nicky took me by surprise when he told me that e reason why he was misbehaving was because he was jealous of his little sister beatrice. nicky says :"beatrice also very naughty but nobody scold her.but i get scolded." my heart melted there and then. i told him that i know he's a good boy and that i'll still buy him his sweets and after that, he was such a angel and behaved so well. forecast: his smile is bound to melt many hearts in e near future as an ACBarker boy. oh yes. and he deliberately took an extremely long time to finish his final questions cos he didn't want me to leave. he told me that he's happy when i'm ard. what a sweetie rite?

i gush at little boys. at how adorable, how innocent they are. cos we all know for sure that eventually, they'll lose that immaculate innocence and turn into heart-crushing monsters. prince charmings only appear in disney's fake fantasies and surreal tales. a bunch of bullshit which i had once fancied.

i'm fast becoming a grouchy couch potato. (p.s: elise i know u love potatoes..i know u love me!) been rotting at home and gonna be decomposing soon. my daily agenda: eat lotsa junk, watch tv, plot myself in front of e computer, watch more trashy tv and sleep. my new life. no more socialising. no more high life (i.e getting high, on life). i kinda like it. and trust me i've even memorised e tv programmes on saturdays and sundays. rotting is good. decaying is fun.

what have i been up to e past week? nothing much. besides the usual tests and assignments and tuition, i also forgot to zip up my skirt and went to sch that way one fine day. call it an indecent exposure. just hope e flower motif wasnt peeping outta e skirt. hmmm what else? been such a good girl by returning home almost everyday after school. awww. *shakes my pigtails ard*.
have also been in touch with e child in me by coming in contact with children every day. my students, my nephew and niece who dropped by last fri. just made me realise how much i adore children and how i wld love to have my own one day. maybe it's a blessing to be able to communicate with e little ones. but it's greater to be blessed with them. i will be a good mother one day. think my maternal instinct's majorly oozing from my pores.

e wilderness within: i wanna go clubbing once more. get high. drink myself silly. dance till i get blisters and i still wont give a rat's ass abt that. harmless fun with all my darlings. but i shall deprive myself of all these fun till dearie alvi comes back and we shall then satisfy my repressed suppressed desires with a bang. ooops. ignore e underlying meaning. *tongue in cheek grin*
but till then, i shall be a good homey girl. cleaning up e house. doing my homework. studying for tests. going to sch on time. coming home rite after that. having dinner at home(and in front of e tele watching holland v) *pushes up glasses* aint i such a goody good girl?
talking too much crap now. shall go plot myself in front of e tele with my laksa (yummm. cant wait to sink my teeth into e hard boiled egg and savour every bite of it.) and watch super sunday. and zhen qing after that. and followed by what women want. then news tonight.
ooh what a busy day.

just wanna give a shout out to the people who have brought love and light into my life. a heartfelt appreciation to all of you whose gifts of friendship have touched me deep in each of your own special ways.

cillia- first and foremost, thanks for e yummy red pearl milk tea treat today. those pearls were real chewy n yummy. *burps*. thanks for listening to me today. felt much better after talking to you. thanks for such an incredible source of strength. your words, though firm at times, i know you mean well. your presence never fails to bring upon sunshine and smiles. had a great day today and it's all because of you. remember: i'm silly, you're Cillia and your c.k is Cillia's. i still think it's very funny though your c.k apparently don't appreciate my sense of humour.

alvi- i cant wait for you to come back! and yes we MUST have our bitching sessions and heart to heart talks when you return. miss ya so damn much. really wish that you cld be here in s'pore. don't ever think you're a lousy friend cos you're the best i cld ever have. i cant ask for more. the rest of e mushy mush i wanna tell you are posted in your blog already. :)

elaine- my dearest yingying, remember how we used to relate to the song 'why are we still friends?' and singing it on top of our voices, with our heart and soul, and commenting how it's one of the best love song ever crooned? i'm so glad that it doesn't have to be your anthem anymore. *grinnn*. you've been with me through my turbulent moments. no matter how tumultuous they may be, you never once gave up on me and i'm immensely grateful for your silent supports. not once have you ever grunted any complaints. really thankful for all that you've done for me, and putting up with my somewhat unpredictable mood swings. -hugs- you're a darling. i'm so happy for you rite now.

elise- mademoiselle, you must be wondering what happened eh? will spill the details once i meet you on thurs yeah. you're one of the sweetest pple i ever know. i'm so glad that your precious is treating you so well. just like a little princess. just as you deserve. you're always so supportive of all that i do. may they be right or wrong. you're always encouraging me to follow my heart. thanks for being such a wonderful sweetie. :)

leng- studying hard my dear? hope you're not getting too stressed out. i miss your tom yam soup already. even dreamt abt it! missing you too. do take care k. will meet ya real soon ok, after your exams.

and also to ethel, lily, mel.my.belle, rose, all of whom i cherish so dearly, thanks for playing such an integral role in my life and providing me with much sweet memories and joy.

dear friends,
you can give me wings to fly,
and catch me if i fall.
or pull the stars out form the sky
so i can wish on them all.
i couldn't ask for more,
cause your love is the greatest gift of all.

love,
june.

once upon a time, there was a girl who believed in fairy tales. she lived in her happy world where butterflies and flowers were in abundance.where negativity was unheard of. where purity reigned. one day, she met a boy whom she liked and eventually loved dearly. the boy was a complicated boy. yet she hung on to him, hanging on to the hope that one day, he wld appreciate her presence and invite her into his life. things did not go well. it was not meant to be. girl and boy do not live happily ever after as in all fairy tales. time passes. the girl tries hard to conceal the fact that she still yearns for the boy's affections. she lies convincingly to all who're concerned. she wonders if they see through her harmless deceits..

today, the girl went swimming with the boy. all was happy and well. they played games. they had fun. then they talked. she never dared to reveal her feelings for him again, for fear that she will once and again, be disappointed. and left on the pedestal of loneliness. however, her reluctance of truth has led him to believe that she does not care for him. what a misconception! her walls of defense, her acts of pretence, eroded there and then. yet she carried on her little role playing, by pretending that it doesn't matter much to her...when it does. very much.

there will never be a happy ending for the boy and the girl. no white horses. no wake-me-up kisses. no fairies. no bottled up genies. they had once believed that the greatest gift they had for the moment was the present. but the girl wants more than what the present cld offer. which was too much to ask for. he was all she wanted. was it really too much of a demand?

a story without an end. a never-ending complication that will continue to exhaust the patient.

your bedtime story for tonight. goodnight children. candy dreams.

i've lost my voice.
sound like a frog's croak.
lovely.
hear me scream and shout.

let me whine...

first whine- my back's peeling!quite a delayed reaction ever since my overdose of tanning 2 weeks ago.so now i have different patches of skin tones on my back.oh yes just like a palette.so ugly.now i'm restricted to wearing only t-shirts.boohoo. will you apply moisterizing cream on my back?

second whine- just returned from school.so hungry now that i can swallow a cow.but mommy didn't cook.boohoo.no choice.i gotta cook for myself later.hmmm shall cook pasta.yum.but i want someone to cook for me.i want to be pampered...with food. will you cook for me?

third whine- feeling so tired.yawns.stayed up last night to complete my marketing project.had to drag myself outta bed this morning.and as a result, i couldn't be bothered with how i looked today.just put on this ugly nike t-shirt and my jeans and slippers.and i didnt even blow dry my hair.merely put on a hairband to keep my hair in place.sounds yucky?i looked yucky.blech. will you look me in the eye and tell me i still look beautiful?

forth whine- developing a sore throat.ahem ahem.pouts. will you make me some honey water to soothe my throat?

fifth whine- feel so stagnant.there's nothing i can look forward to.sulks. will you hold my hand and keep me company?

how i wish that each time i whine, you'll shut me up with hugs.
and i wld feel so warm in your embrace,
that i would whine no more.

you dont hear me.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

the sky was dark this morning
not a bird in the trees.
and silence hung suspicious and anxious
like a blanket covered scream.

shades of sun in my head
blistered skin turning red
i can't complain.
it's something to do
to cloud my mind and erase you.

if you're gone
and i'm alone
whose heart will i scar down here?
drag this frown from my face
force a smile to take its place.
i can pretend that i'm not confused
but i don't need the likes of you.

and you were gone
you were not there.
and i cursed the sky and
begged the sun
to fall all over me.
this life's not living.
living ain't free.
if i can't find my way back to me
let the sun fall down over me.

a sunburnt scar.

i think i'm spilling.
feeling too empty inside.


soon,
there'll be nothing left.

today's such a lazy sunday.
yawns.
gotta get cracking for my marketing assignment.

the national day parade was great.such a pity i aint as fortunate as yingying who watched it live.
hmph.i also want.the fireworks must have been so breathtaking and spectacular.
it just dont seem the same on screen.

had such a bad nite at zouk on friday nite.
argh the sight of her absolutely irks me.
gets on my nerves.
argh.
i'm angry with myself for even letting that thing bother me so damn much
and spoiling my nite.
get out of my sight.

thanks silly cillia for talking to me for almost 2hours to make me feel better. :)
oh yes your attempt at singing the remedy was indeed the remedy.
everything'll be ok.
you'll eventually find a peace of mind.
and we'll definitely have fun this coming sat at your sch bash.
cant wait.


cause i am barely breathing
and i can't find the air
i don't know who i'm kidding
imagining you care
and i could stand here waiting
a fool for another day
but i don't suppose it's worth
the price that i would pay

but i'm thinking it over anyway

The Caring, Interpersonal Type:
Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive

Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
Basic Desire: To feel loved

Healthy: Empathetic, compassionate, feeling for others. Caring and concerned about their needs. Thoughtful, warm-hearted, forgiving and sincere.Encouraging and appreciative, able to see the good in others. Service is important, but takes care of self too: they are nurturing, generous, and giving- a truly loving person. At Their Best: Become deeply unselfish, humble, and altruistic: giving unconditional love to self and others. Feel it is a privilege to be in their lives of others.

Average: Want to be closer to others, so start "people pleasing", becoming overly friendly, emotionally demonstrative, and full of "good intentions" about everything. Give seductive attention: approval, "strokes," flattery. Love their supreme value, and they talk about it constantly. Become overly intimate and intrusive: they need to be needed, so they hover, meddle, and control in the name of love. Want others to depend on them: give, but expect a return: send double messages. Enveloping and possessive: the codependent, self-sacrificial person who cannot do enough for others — wearing themselves out for everyone, creating needs for themselves to fulfill. Increasingly self-important and self-satisfied, feel they are indispensable, although they overrate their efforts in others' behalf. Hypochondria, becoming a "martyr" for others. Overbearing, patronizing, presumptuous.

Unhealthy: Can be manipulative and self-serving, instilling guilt by telling others how much they owe them and make them suffer. Abuse food and medication to "stuff feelings" and get sympathy. Undermine people, making belittling, disparaging remarks. Extremely self-deceptive about their motives and how aggressive and/or selfish their behavior is. Domineering and coercive: feel entitled to get anything they want from others: the repayment of old debts, money, sexual favors. Able to excuse and rationalize what they do since they feel abused and victimized by others and are bitterly resentful and angry. Somatization of their aggressions result in chronic health problems as they vindicate themselves by "falling apart" and burdening others. Generally corresponds to the Histrionic Personality Disorder and Factitious Disorder.

Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.

Addictions: Over-stressing the body for recognition. Working out to exhaustion. Starvation diets. Workaholism. Excessive intake of coffee, stimulants, amphetamines, cocaine, steroids or excessive surgery for cosmetic improvement.

Personal Growth Recommendations
for Enneagram Type Twos

First and foremost, remember that if you are not addressing your own needs, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to meet anyone else's needs without problems, underlying resentments, and continual frustration. Further, you will be less able to respond to people in a balanced way if you have not gotten adequate rest, and taken care of yourself properly. It is not selfish to make sure that you are okay before attending to others' needs—it is simply common sense.

Try to become more conscious of your own motives when you decide to help someone. While doing good things for people is certainly an admirable trait, when you do so because you expect the other person to appreciate you or do something nice for you in return, you are setting yourself up for disappointments. Your type has a real danger of falling into unconscious codependent patterns with loved ones, and they almost never bring you what you really want.

While there are many things you might want to do for people, it is often better to ask them what they really need first. You are gifted at accurately intuiting others' feelings and needs, but that does not necessarily mean that they want those needs remedied by you in the way you have in mind. Communicate your intentions, and be willing to accept a "no thank you." Someone deciding that they do not want your particular offer of help does not mean that they dislike you or are rejecting you.

Resist the temptation to call attention to yourself and your good works. After you have done something for others, do not remind them about it. Let it be: either they will remember your kindness themselves and thank you in their own way or they will not. Your calling attention to what you have done for them only puts people on the spot and makes them feel uneasy. It will not satisfy anyone or improve your relationships.

Do not always be "doing" for people and above all do not try to get people to love you by giving them either gifts or undeserved praise. On the other hand, do not pointedly withdraw your service when others do not respond to you as you would like. Do not make what you do for others depend on how they respond to you. Help others when they ask for it, especially helping them to become more capable of functioning on their own.

i'm stunned beyond words.
so accurate.so true.
today i've found out more about myself as well as realise the hidden within.
self-awareness day.
do try it to believe it.

NAME ANALYSIS FOR: Bai Jin'An June

Bai:
You have a tendency to resist change. Don't miss opportunities for growth. You have a love of creature comforts, but must learn to handle money. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically.(oooh..)

Jin'An:
You have a love of travel and adventure, and you enjoy sports. You also have a very strong sense of fair play and want justice. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You have a need to be up front. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr.

June:
You conduct yourself in a fair and just manner. You enjoy watching or participating in sports. You are soft-hearted with a charitable nature. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr. You can be quite inventive and quite curious.

hmmm.it's accurate to a certain degree.what do you think?haha i'd disagree to e sports part cos it's a well known fact tt i'm extremely lazy n don't do sports.watching sports is another matter.it's exercise for the eyes.and that's quite a workout for me already.
well well,your character's determined the moment you're christianed with your name.isn't that thought provoking?

my html assignment is almost complete.all thanks to flabs.but still i gotta check the source codes and edit it so tt e teacher wont know tt i cheated and used frontpage to create my assignment webby.and yippee,html's due is postponed to next monday.and i also just found out tt my product quality management presentation is 2wks from now instead of next wk.geez.i'm really quite disorganised when it comes to dates.it's good that i have such a EFFICIENT project group.they are really focused and serious abt everything.we were only briefed abt our upcoming statistics project just this morning and already within one lesson, we've already planned out our project outline and all set to execute the data collection.other groups haven't even planned on what to do yet.a big pat on my project grp's back for their efficiency.
finally.i've learnt how to create a link to a photo gallery.so to all those who's interested to see what my hair looks like now,go take a peek at e latest pics.
cramps.ouch.


sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and i have to close my eyes
and hide.
i wanna hold you till i die.
till we both break down and cry.
i wanna hold you
till the fear in me subsides.

oopsy daisy-oh dear!a problem has cropped up n e computer idiot(an absolute idiot!) knows not of how to solve e problem.what e f*ck.what e hell's going on???

15 mins flew by-i've figured.finally.i think there's a distinct difference btw a url with www n one without.for some strange reason,i used to be able to access my blog with e triple w in e url.now i cant n gotta exclude e triple w.what's exactly is e problem here?i think i sound really stupid but i really want to correct e err of it all.help.

20 mins crawled past-cruel twist to e whole problem.everything's resolved now.and i still have no idea what had happened.shrugs.ignorance is bliss.

You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Neutral:
Harmony and balance is key. You don't look at the
world in a negative or positive way and you'll
never judge or assume a situation- you just
look at the facts. People like you are peaceful
and accepting.




What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

yawn.feeling so extremely on this monday morning.this coming week's gonna be packed with completion of assignments.marketing,statistics,product quality management,webcentric and what's not.i'm not very inclined towards computer stuff thus i dont really know how im gonna hand this up on friday.

wondering how e haircut went?it turned out to be pretty not bad.a refreshing change i'll call it.never had short hair ever since e disastrous haircut 2yrs back.initially i was pissed with e hairdresser though cos it seems to me tt he couln't understand what i was saying.yet despite e lack of understanding,e haircut still turned out to be pretty alright.all thanks to elaine my sweet for e 20%discount at reds.:)
perhaps i shd add a few streaks of blond in the mane of mine to complement my tan.oh yes.spent e whole sat morning n afternoon at sentosa with cillia elise n other blah guys n got a satisfactory tan.my classmates have noticed the new look n i said i look great.i take tt as a positive sign tt my route to a new beginning's on e right path.whoopee.
and by e way cillia dear,i really didnt mean to be such a grumpygrump on sat.sorry for being such a grouch.i still love u very much. :)

i'm sending my misses to the wind.if you feel the wind brush by,it's an indication of how much i'm missing you.i presume there's a typhoon at where you are..and i hope it'll blow you to where i am.right by my side.

i'm missing you when i know i shouldn't.

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable and needed.
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

beginning of a new month.
new beginning.new weblog.gonna have a new haircut later on.
a friend once said that a new haircut means a new beginning.
today's the day for my new beginning.
aniticipating with trepidation-developed a phobia of cutting hair since young.hope i wont end up in tears this time. :)

he drove by my place last nite.sat down,had a couple of drinks and mainly talked abt silly things n how life has been.everything was pleasant with loads of laughter.
marketing test today was a breeze-only because my friends and i were exchanging answers with each other.and later on,the tech idiot was saved by e computer geniuses for the webcentric applications n infocomm e-quizes.goodness.i really need to brush up on everything on comp applications.maybe a tech savvy hunk can volunteer his services to me?i really need some help in web applications.*wink*
was told off again for wearing slippers to sch.dont see anything wrong with my sequined slippers.just because it doesnt have a heel strap,it has to be classified as slippers.mine arent that sloppy at all.hmph.dont care.

crosses fingers.hope my haircut turns out alright.why am i crapping so much on just a haircut?cos im scared.what if it turns out wrong?what if it turns out ugly?i think i'm beginning to miss my long hair.but then again my long hair pisses me off sometimes when it gets hard to manage.hmm.it's a love hate r'ship with the hair of mine.oh well we'll see how it goes.