maybe departure's good
makes room for more
start to mass produce
for a chance to ignore
maybe you'll kill yourself
before i get a turn
maybe i'll fall in love
and never learn

take the rope to my heart and fall
you may just be the last before you
see the black tangled heart fall.

there's another world inside of me
that you may never see
there's secrets in this life
that i can't hide
somewhere in this darkness
there's a light that i can't find
maybe it's too far away.
maybe i'm just blind.

so hold me when i'm here
right me when i'm wrong
hold me when i'm scared
and love me when i'm gone
everything i am
and everything in me
wants to be the one
you wanted me to be
i'll never let you down
even if i could
i'd give up everything
if only for your good
so hold me when i'm here
right me when i'm wrong
you can hold me when i'm scared
you won't always be there.

love me when i'm gone.

i think i'm drowning.
asphyxiating.
i wanna break the spell.
that you've created.

you're something beautiful
a contradiction.
i want to play the game.
i want the friction.

i wanted freedom
but i'm restricted.
i tried to give you up.
but i'm addicted.

now that you know i'm trapped.
sense of elation.
you'll never dream of
breaking this fixation.
you will squeeze the life out of me.

bury it.
i won't let you bury it.
i won't let you smother it.
i won't let you murder it.

our time is running out.
you can't push it underground.
we can't stop it screaming out.

how did it come to this?

time is running out-muse.

awesome song.

when i get the strength to leave
you always tell me that you need me
and i'm weak because i believe you
and i'm mad because i love you
soiI stop and think that maybe
you can learn to appreciate me
then it all remains the same that
you ain't never gonna change.

see my days are cold without you
and i hurting when i'm with you
though my heart cant take no more
i keep on running back to you...

foolish

i don't know if i can handle you as just a friend
i can't pretend i'm so far in
but i don't mind
as long as i could have you in my life
i'm satisfied
even if you're not just mine.

i'm in the lousiest moods these days. perpetual pmsing.

bitchy. bad-humored.bearish. bitchy. cantankerous. choleric. crabby. cross. crotchety. cussed. disagreeable. grouchy. grumpy. hot-tempered. ill-humored. irascible. mean. ornery. perverse. quick-tempered. ratty. snappish. tetchy. vinegary. whiny. sulky.
grrrr.

"...i'll fix these broken things
repair your broken wings
and make sure everything's alright
my pressure on your hips
sinking my fingertips
into every inch of you
cause i know that's what you want me to do.

this love has taken its toll on me..."
this love- maroon5

i just wanna scream and shout.
and bark in your ears.
bite anything or anyone that steps on my tail.
poor little nicholas was victimised though.
that poor little darling cried when i scolded him during tuition last wednesday. but he really was getting on my nerves with his hyperactivity.
oh well.
i like making boys cry.

i'm eating your insides
drowning in your thirst
feasting on your hunger
toying with your needs.

i sense your craving.
you shouldn't have allowed me to.

sometimes I like to get away from this maddening shroud
sometimes I love, you know, it's all insane
maybe it's time for me to pack it in
maybe it's time for me to track it in
maybe it's time for me to throw

sometimes I like to get away from the saddening crowd
sometimes I feel my life is all in vain
maybe it's time for me to pack it in
maybe it's time for me to track it in
maybe it's time for me to throw

i've got a good mind to throw it all away

after all, what is it worth?

seven sins of wantonness and
everything that's good is gone
sell it all for glory from the peers
silicone priestess scratch the back and
twists the knife to bone
kick against the pricks and scrape the shins

i'm the enemy in the enemies now

swallowed the pill
drank to the fill
all these things I carry now
in this bittersweet, in this bittersweet now

try to hold the world there sinking,
swimming in a paper cup
try to own the one beneath the skin
held up to the flame 'till singeing
skin begins to draw and tuck
never told there's a chance to win

what couldn't be, wouldn't be now

hold your hands up to the sky and try
so hard to rise above
but everything is beating down

bittersweet-fuel

must i fall sick every wednesday? damn. hate e cold weather. sniffsniff.
wrap me up in your embrace
and keep me warm.
hold me tight
so i can feel your heartbeat
next to mine
i want to breathe you
feel you.

been so busy e past week that i hardly have time to breathe.
suffocation.
gasp.
revive me?

sat nite: had a lovely dinner at pasta fresca at east coast with lily rose fad yazif and melvin.
e ambience of e open restaurant took my breath away. was so stuffed with e mamamia italian yumma that i could hardly breathe. another episode of e bulging tummy.

mon: little nicholas has been having nightmares lately. poor boy. instead of being greeted by his contagious charming lil smile, he had a saddest look on his face that once again melted me. ladies, you shd see it for yourselves too and you'll awww in agreement. he was on e brink of tears when i asked him what was wrong. he seemed so troubled by e monsters and ghosts he's been seeing and running away from in his zzz. poor little boy boy. googoogaagaa. anyway i told him to think of happy thoughts before he goes to zzz every nite. shall buy him his favourite candy later on. i wanna see his toothy grin once more. as naughty as he may be, i want to see him happy and to hear his silly laughter that delights me with much glee.
oh yes. had my first kickboxing session on mon as well and my oh my, it was indeed a workout.
i was flushed.
i was high.
i was kicking ass.
i was powerful.
step on my tail,
and i'll not only bite you, i'll make you weak in your knees.
you've been warned.
i love violence.
wahey.

had a great bonding session with cillia yesterday.
no bondage involved.
i'm so fortunate to have a friend understanding my circumstances so well.
love you girl.
you stink.

i want to push you ard.
i want to take you for granted.
i will.

exhausted.
and unwell.
not in e best of moods right now.
grrr.
step on my tail and i'll bite you.
grrr.

fri nite: had drinks at alley bar with my 2 beloveds. damn my sore eyes. stella artois tasted great as usual. would have tasted better if my tongue wasn't numbed by exhaustion.
am i making sense?
sat nite: had dinner at clarke quay.
vanessa, if you're seeing this, thanks once again for e lovely dinner.
check out my buldging tummy!
i'm disgusted.
extreme ewww.
don't make me start rambling of my new found knowledge
that my body composition consists of 28% fats.
aaargh!
sun nite: was rushing thru marketing report with 2 of my project mates at my void deck, when we realised it was due on friday instead of e next day. silly boys.
mon and tues: forgot what i did.

my dreams are getting weirder by e day.
so vivid.
spooked.

happy belated birthday my dearest baby elaine. yes that's you. e one with e 'happy birthday' pillow on your lap. wanted to post this 2 days back but e sch computer was crap. so only managed to post this now.
anyway i love you girl. you're mean so much to me. thank you for entering into my life. :)

and also.. happy birthday lily! my pretty flower.. miss ya so much.

posted new pics in most albums in photo gallery. go take a peek yeah.
- moments
- milestone
- good old times
- zouk 19sept

yawns. damn tired. gotta rush for econs seminar now. what crap.

damn the school computer.
freaking slow.
grrr.
cant access to my blog, cant post any pictures.
what e fcuk.

welcome back alvina! i cant wait to see ya later. :)

i missed e premiere of bachelor3 last nite. darn. really wanted to witness how catty those women were. managed to catch e last 2 mins of it on tv mobile and surprise surprise, several of those single women have those slanted sluttt eyes which i think are absolutely grosteque. bitches. grrrr.
and sobs, am gonna miss the final episode of my fave 9oclock drama today. e appeal of e show lies in e debauched portrayal of relationships. e misdemeanors of wrongdoings. all in e name of love.
what's love?
it's equivalent to lies, deceits and degradation of moralities. it pushes you to e brink of insanity. at e edge of losing your mind. with one feet dangling off the limits. you plunge. into the dungeons below. it's deep. you'll drown. you scream for help. but he walks away, ignoring your desperate calls of help. you sink to e bottom and never surface. you may revive. but you're never e same.
i'm not e same.

oh yes as i was saying, darn once e show ends, what are our nightly conversations gonna be based on, elaine? no more practical criticisms on each and every minute ominous and foreboding details which we proudly highlight and which e director had overlooked. oh well. we can write our own scripts. cos we're in e midst of our respective dramas.

your cordial invitation,
of wanting to spend time with me.
i wish i cld refuse you.
i think i will reject you.
though it's too hard for me to resist.

temptations may overwhelm.
what's lost in e moment
mite be carried away.
i don't want to see you.
i do.

stop me.

posted some new pics taken last weekend on elaine's new dig cam. with my 2 beautiful babies elaine and elise. town on fri nite and millenia walk on sat nite.

behind every smile,
lies concealed and unspoken sorrows.
say cheese,
in pretense that the souls' at ease.
without any release,
bottled up vents may soon erupt.
e eventual may turn out ugly.
ugly and irreversible
done and irredeemable.

don't spill
you're dear to me.

listening to: my thoughts running ard aimlessly.

growls.cramps.grrrr.

sniff sniff. i'm having such a terrible cold now. e computer lab's freezing. damn the rainy day.
i need your arms ard me
i need to feel your touch.

it's been a long while since i blogged my thoughts. been missing me? grrrr. my computer's down once again and i have no idea when it'll be in working order again. i think it's beyond repairs. any computer geniuses out thurrr?
i just signed up for kickboxing in school. oooh. cant wait to unrevel the power and violence within. heeyahh.
am i so glad that the week's ending. i cant wait for e coming week to arrive.
aniticipations:
1- sweetie alvi's arrival! absolutely can't wait to see my dear friend once again. been missing her tremendously.
2- elaine's birthday celebration! ha it seems as if everyone's psyched abt e upcoming partying session. maybe we all shouldn't get our hopes too elevated or else disappointment might set in. hmmm but i'm sure we're gonna have a blast. i'll make sure we will.
3- overdose of spirits. as insane as it may sound, i miss the woozy and tipsy feeling. the temporary fulfillment and escape from consciousness.
4- being with all my dearest friends and having the time of our lives. let's make it good.
wait. on the other hand, i'm dreading the week. e submission of all the heavy weightage assignments and much more to come. dread dread.

it's strange. to realise that e essence of passion lies in the indecency of an illicit liaison.
the feeling of not having makes me yearn for you more.
even though i have no idea where the appeal lies in.
maybe it's because you've never granted me a promise.
keeping me on e edge
and attempting to intepret the hidden meanings of your words.
thrilled
by pleasures derived in the form of idiosyncrasies.
only temporary contentments.
yet permanence can be achieved by continual extensions of each expired temporary.
i have a stinging gut feeling that i've become too predictable.
that i'll portray to you.
but underneath it all..
you'll never know.

coming soon: further exploitery excitements.

i think i feel my cheeks ballooning. just like a puffer fish. bloop bloop bloop. i ate so so much today. burps. honey stars, sze chuan hot and sour soup, indian rojak, creamy mushroom pasta, and a box of ferrero rochers( a teachers' day gift for me from little nicholas. awww..isn't he such a sweetie?). yums. but i hardly feel bloated at all, even after downing water to digest e food. nonetheless, everything was yums. *licks lips*
a food fest. all in e comfort of my own home.
as usual, i didn't step out of my house today. which means i cooked most of what i ate, namely e soup and e pasta. hard to believe eh. well believe it. my culinary skills have improved.. slightly. everything was edible. and was very yummy. i'm pleased with myself. :)

just watched jerry mcguire. oh yes. several times i had e urge to just burst out crying. i wish i cld once again, believe that love still exists. i feel that e words 'i love you' are beginning to sound too far-fetched. some say them for e sake of saying. others don't even know who they're saying to. most don't know who they really are. these three words are beginning not to mean anything to me anymore.
unless someone can step forth,
and prove me wrong.
perhaps i'm just feeling too void inside.

why do we hurt we hurt each other?
why do we push love away?

some people work things out.
some just don't know how to change.

sing along with me now:
thought you needed needed someone true
but you changed your mind or had I failed you?
wished you've been careful with my heart
but you tore it apart and broke an angel's heart.
i guess what's true has an end somewhow
but i'm living proof of what love is about.
it's hard holding you loving you losing you
it's sad to be true and be fooled by you
i don't know i wanna know
should i stay or should i go?
you played me on
played me like a clown.
but i feel for you
even though i'm down.
my heart is heavy
heavy like a rock
but i'm so amused
you're still in my thoughts.

nights are lonely
days are so sad.
just keep thinking abt
e love that we had.
i'm missing you
and nobody knows it but me.

i remember
i reminise
i think back on e happier times.
it's time to let go
it's time to forget
it's time to give others e chance you once had.

you said to me before,
you'd give up forever to touch me
cause you knew that i'd feel you somehow.
i was e closest to heaven
that you'll ever be
and you didn't wanna go home right then.
and all that you could taste was that moment
and all you could breathe was my life.
cause sooner or later it was over
and you didn't wanna miss me that night.

over.
past tensed per.verse .

just bought myself a new pair of shades.
from now on i shall view e world with tinted vision.
e world isn't as colourful as it seems to be.
it never has been.

just came back from little nicholas' house. little boys just have the shortest attention span ever. and as patient as i always am (though it was wearing very thin then), i merely told him to keep still and to concentrate in a firm tone and by bribing him that i wont buy him sweets if he continues being such a naughty boy. his uncle saw that he was misbehaving and pulled his ear till it was red! ouch! to me, violence or inflicting pain just aint right. but i guess boys need to be disciplined at a young age or else they'll cultivate to become little bastards. rotten harvests. i felt e pain in my heart when nicky tried so hard not to cry in front of me when tears were already brimming in his eyes. quite a male ego for a 6yr old boy yeah. i cant help it but have e softest spots for little boys. nicky took me by surprise when he told me that e reason why he was misbehaving was because he was jealous of his little sister beatrice. nicky says :"beatrice also very naughty but nobody scold her.but i get scolded." my heart melted there and then. i told him that i know he's a good boy and that i'll still buy him his sweets and after that, he was such a angel and behaved so well. forecast: his smile is bound to melt many hearts in e near future as an ACBarker boy. oh yes. and he deliberately took an extremely long time to finish his final questions cos he didn't want me to leave. he told me that he's happy when i'm ard. what a sweetie rite?

i gush at little boys. at how adorable, how innocent they are. cos we all know for sure that eventually, they'll lose that immaculate innocence and turn into heart-crushing monsters. prince charmings only appear in disney's fake fantasies and surreal tales. a bunch of bullshit which i had once fancied.

i'm fast becoming a grouchy couch potato. (p.s: elise i know u love potatoes..i know u love me!) been rotting at home and gonna be decomposing soon. my daily agenda: eat lotsa junk, watch tv, plot myself in front of e computer, watch more trashy tv and sleep. my new life. no more socialising. no more high life (i.e getting high, on life). i kinda like it. and trust me i've even memorised e tv programmes on saturdays and sundays. rotting is good. decaying is fun.

what have i been up to e past week? nothing much. besides the usual tests and assignments and tuition, i also forgot to zip up my skirt and went to sch that way one fine day. call it an indecent exposure. just hope e flower motif wasnt peeping outta e skirt. hmmm what else? been such a good girl by returning home almost everyday after school. awww. *shakes my pigtails ard*.
have also been in touch with e child in me by coming in contact with children every day. my students, my nephew and niece who dropped by last fri. just made me realise how much i adore children and how i wld love to have my own one day. maybe it's a blessing to be able to communicate with e little ones. but it's greater to be blessed with them. i will be a good mother one day. think my maternal instinct's majorly oozing from my pores.

e wilderness within: i wanna go clubbing once more. get high. drink myself silly. dance till i get blisters and i still wont give a rat's ass abt that. harmless fun with all my darlings. but i shall deprive myself of all these fun till dearie alvi comes back and we shall then satisfy my repressed suppressed desires with a bang. ooops. ignore e underlying meaning. *tongue in cheek grin*
but till then, i shall be a good homey girl. cleaning up e house. doing my homework. studying for tests. going to sch on time. coming home rite after that. having dinner at home(and in front of e tele watching holland v) *pushes up glasses* aint i such a goody good girl?
talking too much crap now. shall go plot myself in front of e tele with my laksa (yummm. cant wait to sink my teeth into e hard boiled egg and savour every bite of it.) and watch super sunday. and zhen qing after that. and followed by what women want. then news tonight.
ooh what a busy day.

just wanna give a shout out to the people who have brought love and light into my life. a heartfelt appreciation to all of you whose gifts of friendship have touched me deep in each of your own special ways.

cillia- first and foremost, thanks for e yummy red pearl milk tea treat today. those pearls were real chewy n yummy. *burps*. thanks for listening to me today. felt much better after talking to you. thanks for such an incredible source of strength. your words, though firm at times, i know you mean well. your presence never fails to bring upon sunshine and smiles. had a great day today and it's all because of you. remember: i'm silly, you're Cillia and your c.k is Cillia's. i still think it's very funny though your c.k apparently don't appreciate my sense of humour.

alvi- i cant wait for you to come back! and yes we MUST have our bitching sessions and heart to heart talks when you return. miss ya so damn much. really wish that you cld be here in s'pore. don't ever think you're a lousy friend cos you're the best i cld ever have. i cant ask for more. the rest of e mushy mush i wanna tell you are posted in your blog already. :)

elaine- my dearest yingying, remember how we used to relate to the song 'why are we still friends?' and singing it on top of our voices, with our heart and soul, and commenting how it's one of the best love song ever crooned? i'm so glad that it doesn't have to be your anthem anymore. *grinnn*. you've been with me through my turbulent moments. no matter how tumultuous they may be, you never once gave up on me and i'm immensely grateful for your silent supports. not once have you ever grunted any complaints. really thankful for all that you've done for me, and putting up with my somewhat unpredictable mood swings. -hugs- you're a darling. i'm so happy for you rite now.

elise- mademoiselle, you must be wondering what happened eh? will spill the details once i meet you on thurs yeah. you're one of the sweetest pple i ever know. i'm so glad that your precious is treating you so well. just like a little princess. just as you deserve. you're always so supportive of all that i do. may they be right or wrong. you're always encouraging me to follow my heart. thanks for being such a wonderful sweetie. :)

leng- studying hard my dear? hope you're not getting too stressed out. i miss your tom yam soup already. even dreamt abt it! missing you too. do take care k. will meet ya real soon ok, after your exams.

and also to ethel, lily, mel.my.belle, rose, all of whom i cherish so dearly, thanks for playing such an integral role in my life and providing me with much sweet memories and joy.

dear friends,
you can give me wings to fly,
and catch me if i fall.
or pull the stars out form the sky
so i can wish on them all.
i couldn't ask for more,
cause your love is the greatest gift of all.

love,
june.

once upon a time, there was a girl who believed in fairy tales. she lived in her happy world where butterflies and flowers were in abundance.where negativity was unheard of. where purity reigned. one day, she met a boy whom she liked and eventually loved dearly. the boy was a complicated boy. yet she hung on to him, hanging on to the hope that one day, he wld appreciate her presence and invite her into his life. things did not go well. it was not meant to be. girl and boy do not live happily ever after as in all fairy tales. time passes. the girl tries hard to conceal the fact that she still yearns for the boy's affections. she lies convincingly to all who're concerned. she wonders if they see through her harmless deceits..

today, the girl went swimming with the boy. all was happy and well. they played games. they had fun. then they talked. she never dared to reveal her feelings for him again, for fear that she will once and again, be disappointed. and left on the pedestal of loneliness. however, her reluctance of truth has led him to believe that she does not care for him. what a misconception! her walls of defense, her acts of pretence, eroded there and then. yet she carried on her little role playing, by pretending that it doesn't matter much to her...when it does. very much.

there will never be a happy ending for the boy and the girl. no white horses. no wake-me-up kisses. no fairies. no bottled up genies. they had once believed that the greatest gift they had for the moment was the present. but the girl wants more than what the present cld offer. which was too much to ask for. he was all she wanted. was it really too much of a demand?

a story without an end. a never-ending complication that will continue to exhaust the patient.

your bedtime story for tonight. goodnight children. candy dreams.