met my alltime favorite womaniser38 last nite for an unsuccessful shopping spree.oh e fact that e former objectofdesire was ard was secondary. leading me to conclude nah-uh, i wld prefer e beefy cutie with e goatie who was so delicate with his hands that he can actually sew and use e sewing machine.oh my.*swoon.i cld have melted there and then.to see men who’re so serious and engrossed in doing something they’re so passionate abt is an incredible turnon.
which leads to our orchardmrt to dhobyghautmrt superslowstroll and deepdeepdeepconversation.


Faux.


how i've witnessed some ard me, who in attempts to impress, forge and feign their traits and personas.
person1 may sound familiar to my closestloves. one who’s intimidated by my presence and as a result, gets tonguetied and stammers in e midst of conversations with me. which is occasionally amusing and perhaps adorable at e mere witness of e fusion of his bashfulness/nerves overrun. with a tendency to focus more on his flaws than giving myself a chance to understand him as a person, one fine day, i disposed my reticence and viewed him as a plainwhitesheet. devoid of impressions inked on previous occasions. so things looked slightly cheerier. But many a times, i had e strongest urge to tell him to be himself. because i’m hardly even impressed at his recordbreaking swims/runs/fulfilling gym workouts/proteinshake or other antioxidant intakes. he’s like talking to e unsportiest person ever who loves her meat and fattyfood more than anything else.e more he mentions his apparent achievements, i dash towards e other direction. faster than his recordbreaking personal best timing clocked. e final straw came abt and blew away any chances he cld ever have. by writing an absolute shit of a testimonial for one of my closestlove, telling her “to wipe e fucking grin off (her) face and to shut up"?! testimonials are meant to be ego-enlarging PR proclamations and that particular one written for her was hardly even funny. in fact it was downright offensive and disrespectful. ruderuderude. so he basically placed e fullstop to everything.


person2 is more talkedabt. she cooks up and conceives her own contradictions to abide by to portray herself as ooh..intriguing? please. hardly even. she goes ard announcing how she can be such a bitch but still e sweetest bitch ever. yeah sweet enough to bring her home to show mommy.everything abt her is a fiction more 'enchanting' than enid blyton or e girl frm mallory towers. if she cld pause for maybe one second in e midst of her marvelous storytelling, and realise that there’re onlookers scrutinizing her every move just dying to expose her con act.if she cld tell others that a former-good-friend-of-hers always sit on other men’s lap whenever e friend goes clubbing, halt. e friend never cheated/strayed/tasted other men during e course of e friend's rship.yes e friend only had 1 rship.and whilst she always appear victimized,what she left out was e fact that she brought upon everything to herself with her misdeeds.of cos she leaves these details out.there's a targeted audience that she's trying really hard to impress.an audience that's totally out of her league. which explains why she's e somebody that she's not and wont always be.


so while there're only two that are mentioned, i can outrightly say that i'm not all that genuine either.but at least i'm honest abt it and yes i make it known.e hardly-ever-pleasant entries of mine simply spell out june as a bitterbitch, sourslut, fuckedupfloozy, hatefulharlot, anything one can cast me as. i'll play out whatever e role you want to perceive me to be. even till today, after being with him for more than 3yrs, he's still peeling off e layers of camouflage that i've enshrouded myself with.i don't lie.e truth is just not known.


and maybe e reason why e truth wont ever be known is because e truth is ugly.
once seen, i'll be shunned.
it has already been tested and proven.

i've been down and
i'm wondering why
these little black clouds
keep walking around
with me
it wastes time
and i'd rather be high
think i'll walk me outside
and buy a rainbow smile
but be free
they're all free
so maybe tomorrow
i'll find my way home.


maybe tomorrow-stereophonics.


wicker park.the movie.brilliance.the soundtrack.absolute awesome-O.
how all e songs are so apt to e emotions that flow throughout e movie.


all these people drinking lover's spit
swallowing words while giving head
they listen to teeth to learn how to quit
tied to a night they never met
you know it's time
that we grow old and do some shit
i like it all that way.


lover's spit-broken social scene.


i love it when a movie stimulates me.
recommendations pls.for such artyfarty shows.esp those saturated with lust/love/wealth/e filth of it all.lusted with reasons.loving without reasons.mix them with e seductions of money.e final concoction-absolute filth.i love.*licks lips.

bitchfit.


this is a once a mth affair.in conjuction with e other monthly occurence.


you're pathetic.
as loudmouthed and uncouthed you are,
you shamelessly putforth yourself as a victim while illustrating your sobstory.
so pitiable.
it disgusts me to witness you leeching on others,
unable to stand up for yourself.
how pathetic can you be?
direct confrontations work best with me.
why involve others when it's only between us?
spreadspreadspread your sobstory far and wide.
i cant e least be bothered with what is being said.
you're such a shame.
such a disgrace.
as much as i need to release and vent,
you're not worth any mere mention on this space in this column.
it's too exclusive for you.
as much as i wld want it to be evident that it's directed at you knowing that you'd be reading this,
even as i express and verbalize my discontentment in my simplest form of expression,
i doubt it's within your grasp of comprehension.
you wont even realise it's you i'm referring to as your eyes scan through my concealed connotations.
i'm watching you.
any indifference shown will be noticed, indicating that you're acknowledging all of e above.
think again.
don't think so highly of yourself.
don't give yourself too much credit.



oh.and ms-i-do-not-have-originality-in-me-and-love-to-emulate-other's-style-as-my-own-because-i-dont-have-any strikes once and again.*yawn.what's new?what else are you capable of?i wonder when you'll ever get sick of yourself.
thrill me.
but i doubt your ever-so-pablum persona*enormous yawn* can even raise any reaction from me.


i wonder who is more detestable.
i think it's e latter.


a release is good.

happy 21st to my sweetest cupcake that i'm constantly craving for-cillia.


so it's been 2 years.frm colleagues to closestlove. frm having a crazy mr mamood storming up e office of singapore powers demanding to kill you to being totally nuts abt having you in my life.been through different men, hairstyles, social circles, lifestyles, bust sizes, waist expansions/contractions and yet there's a common love that we have for each other. not seeing each other on a regular basis does not dilute e intensity of how passionate i feel for you. those were e times when i'd travel to clementi to your place and sing jay chou's rooftop together. and infecting you with my infatuation with south park ever since e j-o-o joke. e times when we'd sit and talk for hours over anything and everything. i totally dig you despite being as different as night and day and day and night. as reflected in our different preferences in men (with you preferring metrosexuals with good dress senses and me going gaga over those who cant be bothered with their looks but with nice shoulders of cos.which is gd cos i'll never like e men you like/love/lust over), and different fashion statements (with you being totally eclectic and funkydunky and me being boring and timeless with classic black and whites and occasional explorations with other colors), we bond together like tight leather bondage.cuffed together.kinky are we. and i know this mutual love will continue for as long as it will last.


i love you cillia.
*hugs and wetkisses.

*feast your eyes.


walawala's on boxing day.


brewerkz on postboxing day.


2days before alvi left.


e day before alvi left.

i'm not too psyched abt e new yr.
it cld be because i didnt kickstart e new yr at some raveofaparty in e company of my lovelies at rouge.
none of e usual merrymaking which i wld have loved and preferred to end 2004.
instead.e eve was spent playing nurse to the sickone.
disclaimer:do not think kinky.pardon the heavy saturation of connotions otherwise.
cldnt possibly have enjoyed myself knowing that he was sick and viralstricken.
what cld be worst than falling sick on nye and down with fever/bodyaches/flu/rashes/add all of them up/equals to dengue.poor boy.
counted down to e new yr with his parents opening all e windows and switching on all e lights in e hse as a beginning to a bright new yr.
so basically it was a super subdued lowkey affair.
an indication for me to mellow down this yr maybe?
i start off e yr with nulled expectations.


happy 2005.

everythingisntgoingright


sothiswillbetheendforgoodihavehadenoughofyoutheresonlyhowmuc
hicanputuphowmuchicandoandimfullyutilizedbrutilizedallthesewhil
eithoughtwhatwehadcouldbesalvagednotherelationshipwasntlackin
ganythingnoitsnotbecausemymethodsofbeingyourgirlfriendareunco
nventionalandnoitsnotbecausewedontspendenoughtimetogetherise
eitallsoclearlynowthattheproblemdoesntliewithmeanymorethereas
onthatyougavemeonfridaywasthebestandthemostridiculousyetiseei
tallsoclearlynowandimsocertainthativemadetherightchoicethistimer
oundbecauseifidontputafullstoptothisthiswholeviciouscycleisgonnare
peatiamnotbenefittinganythingfromthisandijustdontwanttobeconsta
ntlylosingoutanymoreandwhilstimoveonsoperfectlywithoutyoupicki
ngmyselfuplivingmylifewithoutyourinterferenceyoucomecrawlingba
cktomesayingthatyouneedmethatyoumissmethatyouwantmebackag
ainyouhavetorealizethatiamnotwhatyouneedyouneedapillarofsuppor
tivebeenatyourconstantbeckandcallandyouwerebeginningtoabuseth
epowersandtakingthemforgrantedtherewillbenomorethisicanensure
ifallittakesismyhabittomakepplhappymakeppllaughtomakeyouwant
toendthisiamsadtosaythisisfinalnomatterhowhardyouapologizedafte
rwardsblamingyourbadmoodfortheearlieroutbursticantletitgoletitpa
ssicantforgetthatitdidnthappencosiknowyoureboundtogivemethesa
meshitonceandagainiknownowyourenotwhatineediknownowiamnot
whatyouwantyouhavebeenexpectingwaytoomuchfrmmeexpectingm
etobeperfectwhenyouresofarfrmitihavemyflawsbutyouvegotmoreic
anchangebutyourenotwillingtosoiknowwhatmyvalueistoyouhowimp
ortantihadbeentoyouhowmuchtherelationshipmatteredtoyouicantco
ntinuewiththiscontinuewithyoucontinuewithyourconstantinconsiste
ncyicantkeepupidontwishtofurtherunderstandyouihavenointerestin
whateveryoudomaybeistilldobutitsbestthatiremaincluelessabtyourli
fenonethelessnotknowingisthebestrememdyicldconjureatemomenti
hadwishedforthebestbuthtebestwillneverbeourslettingthisgocldposs
iblybethebestdecisionwearedoingforourselvesdontbeunfairtoeachoth
eranylongerdontwastemytimetheprimehasyettobereachedandiknow
iamcapableofbetteryouwerealearningexperienceiamlearntandnowih
avetogo



tomakethingsworse


ilostmynokia7200yesivelosttwophonestwosimcardsoverthespanoftw
oweekstwosaturdayshowextremelywretchedandicantbelievethisisha
ppeningtomeithinktomyselfwhatcldpossiblebetheworstthatcldeverha
ppenthisisjustsofuckedupfuckedbeyondimaginableandimjustsodraine
dsotiredsodecayedweariedimhavinghteworstchristmaseverihatechri
tmashateseeingeveryonesohappysojollysomerryarghimhatingallofthe
seiamthekilljoysodonotstopmefromdestructinghappinessbecausedest
royimust

i don't know.
i don't know you.
i don't know who you are.
i don't know who you are to me.
i don't know who i am to you.
i don't know what you want.
i don't know what you want from me.
i don't know what you want me to be.
i don't know where to begin.
i don't know where to halt.
i don't know where we shd go frm here.
i don't know where we'll end up.


i don't know much.
but i know enough to not know much.


i'm thirsty and hungry.
i'm starving and dehydrated.
and i just fell down and grazed my knee.
my clinique happy smells gd.
i smell gd.
come forth and take a sniff?
prove me wrong and tell me i stink.

attention!


to all who possess my mobile munber,pls msg me your numbers again cos i've lost all my contacts due to e loss of my phone at zoukout/loss of my sim card as well/loss of king's samsung actually/lost not cos i misplaced it but cos some fuckedupbitch pickpocketed it right out frm my pocket(!!!)/demise of my nokia on e same mother-of-all-jinxed night/due to e seabreeze at tanjong beach which corroded e phone due to e atmospheric presence of water/just got a sim card replacement/just got my sexy 7200/contactable again after being phoneless for 5 days.
appreciations aplenty.


yesterday was a day where humiliation and dramatism were photogenic.i so love it when words makes so much sense that it makes no sense at all.


i've been such a selfish bitch that you've have been totally neglected.
and i'm gonna change for e better.for you.for you to be happy.for you to be happy with me.

zoukout-e virgin experience.
*pictures


paul van dyk!e way he holds e earphones to his ears n stimulating e crowd with his fingers-*sizzle.what a turn-on.his fingers are such wonders.
he was e only highlight of my night.
how i embrace trance now.
e virgin experience came with e loss.
which led to my hysterical and,yesyes i admit,overlyreacted outbursts into wails n whimpers.
to all who had to put up with me,sorry for being a spoiler.
other than that, e virgin experience was good.


drinking at alleybar-whence alvi returned.
*pictures


appalled.alley bar has since implemented an age limit.
but i still love e ambience of e place when it isnt crowded.
e frozen lychee margarita is yums.e lychee is still my favorite part of e drink though.


i selfcomposed a punkrock song in my dream last nite.which i have to admit was quite a headbanger.i've forgotten how e tune goes.but it's by an allguy band called "killed left lip".and the last line of e chorus went like this.."i'm smart only with my penis on.."
i wanna be a drummerchick.

if shame had a face i thk it would kinda look like mine.
if it had a home would it be my eyes?
you're right.we're happier this way.
you please.and tease in ways so decadent.
decency never thrilled me much to begin with.
i dont expect.and receive pleasant surprises.
i'm on my best behaviour.luring you to perdition.
i'm aware.and await for e perfect timing for me to prey.
and to be able to seek enjoyment in more ways than one,
ooh what fun.
jubilance.
i need to be satisfied.e hunger in me keeps escalating.
e thirst drowns me n makes me crave for more.


one shopping spree is never enough.

when summer falls asleep
and winter plucks your strings
e colder that you get
makes you yearn for neglect
build it up, tear it up, throw it out
if i come round there now
wld you be pleased to see me
i wldn't make much noise
just whimper to myself
my head hurts more each time
e drinking strangles me
and these are e days without paracetemol.


e health hasnt been good these days.

i think e face is blacker than e shirt.



new postergirls for black polotees n diesel watches.




i love e leng this much!



loves of my life.


e above>> pics of tuesday's unsuccessful tanning session.


wednesday:eve of deepavali
which is equivalent to e whole of spore gathering at zouk.
maddening crowd!
all e sweatstained attempting to squeeze into e queues that were extended to e hotel so didnt suit e mood i had for e nite.
so headed to liquidroom.music was good but not for my mood.headed to lempicka at ms n that place was gorgeous.ever since i saw it being featured on hi-life,i always wanted to check that place out.lovely.and e music was superb as well.played e stupid drinking game of fivetens n lost miserably.no more sitting next to max cos his victorious achievement for e nite was to make me lose n drink.booze cures.and being boozed=lack of restraint n insanity.which was enjoyable.i like.always a first time for everything.


thursday:'e forgotten'
caught e show with johann whom i havent seen in ages.let me be a spolier n announce that my jaw is still intact.e show was not at all a jawdropper as it had promised.ending was blahlyblase.including aliens into e plot=not a gd idea.(i love being a spoiler.)cultivating e habit of reading too deeply in btw e lines,just as what i had done for 'e door in e floor' ,led me to ignore e smacked-in-e-face directly obvious.cant wait to catch 'birth'.looks damn interesting.
well of cos though i hadnt seen them for long, catching up with johann n with cillia later in e nite was a sooth to e soul.merely picked things off frm where we'd left them.no awkward discomfort of silences or strange vibes.love is all ard.


just now:trying to find something nice to buy but bought nothing.
yums.had yummy oreocheesecake with my dosage of caffeine at coffeeclub with max.followed by ice-cream.endorpins rejoice!now i know rum n raisin n durian do not complement each other at all esp when e rum is so strong.retail therapy isnt at all therapeutic if there's nothing for me to buy.just felt like getting a new piece of garment or decorative blingbling for e next clubbing session on wed.


i need to revamp e wardrobe.
i need to cross e borders n shop across e causeway.
rite now i just need to nurse e sore eye caused by e infected contact lens.


end of broadcast.

nothing's fine
i'm torn
i'm all out of faith
this is how i feel
i'm cold and i am shamed
lying naked on e floor
illusion never changed
into something real
i'm wide awake
and i can see
e perfect sky is torn
you're a little late
i'm already torn

wednesday's mambo session

before downing down shots of sexonthebeach and gulps of apricot brandy and alot of what nots:

vanniebaby and i in a preciousmoments-ish pose



my favorite ahlian and i being poseur


after downing down shots of sexonthebeach and gulps of apricot brandy and alot of what nots:

us with max.all dizzied up with tipsiness.


intense intoxication of liquer at zouk.
and ooh hardcore house at liquidroom afterwards.
been surrounded by too much trance and house these few days that i cldnt ctrl e tapping of my feet to e tiutiutiu music.
but only feet tapping.no other bodily movements produced cos e body cldnt coordination to e apparent rhythm n beat of e monotonous n repetitive tiutiutiu.
oh well..it really wasnt that bad though it wasnt e preferred source of audiopleasure.
being in e company of my pamperedpassions leng n van(iloveyou!) made e nite ohsolovely n definitely much talked abt.


that's all for updates.

this is the last time
that i will show my face
one last tender lie
and then i'm out of this place.

till tmr comes,
my motives move alongside with your illbred intentions.
e obvious will be visualized in such an indirect manner
that oblivion will be shown directly.

tear smears.
rose tinted coverage
fakes e glow which no longer radiates.


lacklustre lips.
painted by mac lipglass
e sheen and shimmer
an attempt to draw attention away frm e pale prosaic pout.


sore.
surrounding e almondhue
stains e vision.
despite its promised powers of lash lengthening/intensifying
e mascara fails to conceal
e stolidly stale stare projected by e saline-stained oculus.


dolled up to deceive.
a loungeact at its peak of perfection.


applause pls?


sin-covered in security
sheer smothering.
i'll let you do e deed.

you called yesterday
to basically say
that you care for me, but
that you're just not in love.
immediately, i pretended to be
feeling similarly
and led you to believe i was ok
to just walk away from e one thing
that's unyielding and sacred to me.


well i guess i'm trying to be
nonchalant abt it.
and i'm going to extremes
to prove i'm fine without you.
but in reality
i'm slowly losing my mind
underneath e guise of a smile
gradually i'm dying inside.
friends ask me how i feel
and i lie convincingly
cos i don't want to reveal
e fact that i'm suffering.
so i wear my disguise
till i go home at night
and turn down all the lights
and then i breakdown and cry.


e end.

flashbacktrack>>3yrs down memory lane.


one unbreezy evening, sillybaby and i decided to take a leisurely walk ard his estate after dinner. ooh yeah i'm so totally made for walking. i swear every singleinch of my body is celluliting so i rejoiced at e idea of toning and working thy calf muscles. so we walked e entire seletar estate- thru seletar hills/gardens/nim/mimosa/neram/other jalansomethings weirdsounding road names/and even came across to mr minister's hse. george yeo methinks. and there was an indian policeman sitting in his lil cove outside e hse. so poor thing la. e weather was unbearably unbearable. still n humid. only thing tt blew was nothing. sightings include wowing at suisui cars such as my alltime fave lexus(swoon...), SLKs, a supergorgeous nissanfairlady, porsches parked alongside beemers(7series to be precise) in e same hse(filthyfilthy rich cant freakin stand it!) and of cos nice big houses with gardens, whitepicketfences and doggies either running ard chasing their own tails or barking non stop by e gate (which reminds me of silly's stoopid dog who's jealous tt i have to share his owner with him and wants me dead i swear).


walkedwalked sweatsweat...


then came sad sighting..
tt seletar macs was demolished.
and all ard it. including e mkt, e oldish flats n e mamapapa shops which sell tidbits reminiscent of my childhood.
and tt evoked such a strong sadness within me.


it was where everything began;
was where my fave ppfrontman studied together for supps.
geog and econs to be exact.
underneath e posters of john lennon and e rest of his boys as decors.
was where when he told me tt my currentsqueeze wld be really blessed if he had me.
was where he told me tt he wldnt even introduce me to currentsqueeze(!elation!) if he didnt meet his thensqueeze who's suchabitch really.
was where i confided in ppfrontman tt i was doubting babytouringeurope's thenadvances.
tt were there mere honeycoated nothings or flavored somethings?
was where ppfrontman assured me tt my nowandthenbaby was serious abt me.
was where mybaby and i first held hands discreetly.
underneath e tables. without ppfrontman's knowledge.
was where mybelovedyingying pronounced n-i-n-e as neeneh instead of nine.
was where e four of us laughed at e stupidest things over happymeals.
such happy meals.
was where sillybaby n i studied n sneaked peeks at each other during our periods of greyish ambiguities.
as i'd refused to go to his place, knowing i'd breakaway frm my limitations.
was where sillybaby's mom n i bought 25 25cents ice-cream cones.
aha vanilla delights.


and e mkt was where we bought breakfast/lunch/dinner for his parents.
and seeing him chitchat with e hawkers cos they've practically seen him grow up.
which i bet was an attempt to get more ingredients and was a successful one.


so these significant landmarks are now nothing but empty landscapes.
prolly gonna build up some mightymall there.
which wld further escalate e prices of land n private estates in tt area.


so it is a goodbye to former serenity.
defunct.
but deeplymissed.

selfobessession at its peak.


loving oneself is e most vital immunity ammunition.
without this pride that you have in yourself,
wounds of weaknesses are exposed
allowing others to feast on your pain
and conquer e vulnerabilities.
till damage is beyond any salvation,
regrettting doesnt serve as an aid.


loving thy flawshortcomingsimperfectperfections.
loving thy strengthslongeivityperfectimperfections.
for saying that you care is nothing more than a shallow conceit

raise me up with falsetted acclaims

only to let me down in shame.

count on noone.

believe in none.


leng: iloveyou.
those tears that we've shed
werent meant for him for he does not deserve
e tears that ive shed n shared with you were out of heartache

for it hurts me so much to see you cry

and angers me to know that i cant reduce your pain

always here for you
willing to do anything in n out of my power for you.

anything.