i'm not too psyched abt e new yr.
it cld be because i didnt kickstart e new yr at some raveofaparty in e company of my lovelies at rouge.
none of e usual merrymaking which i wld have loved and preferred to end 2004.
instead.e eve was spent playing nurse to the sickone.
disclaimer:do not think kinky.pardon the heavy saturation of connotions otherwise.
cldnt possibly have enjoyed myself knowing that he was sick and viralstricken.
what cld be worst than falling sick on nye and down with fever/bodyaches/flu/rashes/add all of them up/equals to dengue.poor boy.
counted down to e new yr with his parents opening all e windows and switching on all e lights in e hse as a beginning to a bright new yr.
so basically it was a super subdued lowkey affair.
an indication for me to mellow down this yr maybe?
i start off e yr with nulled expectations.


happy 2005.

everythingisntgoingright


sothiswillbetheendforgoodihavehadenoughofyoutheresonlyhowmuc
hicanputuphowmuchicandoandimfullyutilizedbrutilizedallthesewhil
eithoughtwhatwehadcouldbesalvagednotherelationshipwasntlackin
ganythingnoitsnotbecausemymethodsofbeingyourgirlfriendareunco
nventionalandnoitsnotbecausewedontspendenoughtimetogetherise
eitallsoclearlynowthattheproblemdoesntliewithmeanymorethereas
onthatyougavemeonfridaywasthebestandthemostridiculousyetiseei
tallsoclearlynowandimsocertainthativemadetherightchoicethistimer
oundbecauseifidontputafullstoptothisthiswholeviciouscycleisgonnare
peatiamnotbenefittinganythingfromthisandijustdontwanttobeconsta
ntlylosingoutanymoreandwhilstimoveonsoperfectlywithoutyoupicki
ngmyselfuplivingmylifewithoutyourinterferenceyoucomecrawlingba
cktomesayingthatyouneedmethatyoumissmethatyouwantmebackag
ainyouhavetorealizethatiamnotwhatyouneedyouneedapillarofsuppor
tivebeenatyourconstantbeckandcallandyouwerebeginningtoabuseth
epowersandtakingthemforgrantedtherewillbenomorethisicanensure
ifallittakesismyhabittomakepplhappymakeppllaughtomakeyouwant
toendthisiamsadtosaythisisfinalnomatterhowhardyouapologizedafte
rwardsblamingyourbadmoodfortheearlieroutbursticantletitgoletitpa
ssicantforgetthatitdidnthappencosiknowyoureboundtogivemethesa
meshitonceandagainiknownowyourenotwhatineediknownowiamnot
whatyouwantyouhavebeenexpectingwaytoomuchfrmmeexpectingm
etobeperfectwhenyouresofarfrmitihavemyflawsbutyouvegotmoreic
anchangebutyourenotwillingtosoiknowwhatmyvalueistoyouhowimp
ortantihadbeentoyouhowmuchtherelationshipmatteredtoyouicantco
ntinuewiththiscontinuewithyoucontinuewithyourconstantinconsiste
ncyicantkeepupidontwishtofurtherunderstandyouihavenointerestin
whateveryoudomaybeistilldobutitsbestthatiremaincluelessabtyourli
fenonethelessnotknowingisthebestrememdyicldconjureatemomenti
hadwishedforthebestbuthtebestwillneverbeourslettingthisgocldposs
iblybethebestdecisionwearedoingforourselvesdontbeunfairtoeachoth
eranylongerdontwastemytimetheprimehasyettobereachedandiknow
iamcapableofbetteryouwerealearningexperienceiamlearntandnowih
avetogo



tomakethingsworse


ilostmynokia7200yesivelosttwophonestwosimcardsoverthespanoftw
oweekstwosaturdayshowextremelywretchedandicantbelievethisisha
ppeningtomeithinktomyselfwhatcldpossiblebetheworstthatcldeverha
ppenthisisjustsofuckedupfuckedbeyondimaginableandimjustsodraine
dsotiredsodecayedweariedimhavinghteworstchristmaseverihatechri
tmashateseeingeveryonesohappysojollysomerryarghimhatingallofthe
seiamthekilljoysodonotstopmefromdestructinghappinessbecausedest
royimust

i don't know.
i don't know you.
i don't know who you are.
i don't know who you are to me.
i don't know who i am to you.
i don't know what you want.
i don't know what you want from me.
i don't know what you want me to be.
i don't know where to begin.
i don't know where to halt.
i don't know where we shd go frm here.
i don't know where we'll end up.


i don't know much.
but i know enough to not know much.


i'm thirsty and hungry.
i'm starving and dehydrated.
and i just fell down and grazed my knee.
my clinique happy smells gd.
i smell gd.
come forth and take a sniff?
prove me wrong and tell me i stink.

attention!


to all who possess my mobile munber,pls msg me your numbers again cos i've lost all my contacts due to e loss of my phone at zoukout/loss of my sim card as well/loss of king's samsung actually/lost not cos i misplaced it but cos some fuckedupbitch pickpocketed it right out frm my pocket(!!!)/demise of my nokia on e same mother-of-all-jinxed night/due to e seabreeze at tanjong beach which corroded e phone due to e atmospheric presence of water/just got a sim card replacement/just got my sexy 7200/contactable again after being phoneless for 5 days.
appreciations aplenty.


yesterday was a day where humiliation and dramatism were photogenic.i so love it when words makes so much sense that it makes no sense at all.


i've been such a selfish bitch that you've have been totally neglected.
and i'm gonna change for e better.for you.for you to be happy.for you to be happy with me.

zoukout-e virgin experience.
*pictures


paul van dyk!e way he holds e earphones to his ears n stimulating e crowd with his fingers-*sizzle.what a turn-on.his fingers are such wonders.
he was e only highlight of my night.
how i embrace trance now.
e virgin experience came with e loss.
which led to my hysterical and,yesyes i admit,overlyreacted outbursts into wails n whimpers.
to all who had to put up with me,sorry for being a spoiler.
other than that, e virgin experience was good.


drinking at alleybar-whence alvi returned.
*pictures


appalled.alley bar has since implemented an age limit.
but i still love e ambience of e place when it isnt crowded.
e frozen lychee margarita is yums.e lychee is still my favorite part of e drink though.


i selfcomposed a punkrock song in my dream last nite.which i have to admit was quite a headbanger.i've forgotten how e tune goes.but it's by an allguy band called "killed left lip".and the last line of e chorus went like this.."i'm smart only with my penis on.."
i wanna be a drummerchick.

if shame had a face i thk it would kinda look like mine.
if it had a home would it be my eyes?
you're right.we're happier this way.
you please.and tease in ways so decadent.
decency never thrilled me much to begin with.
i dont expect.and receive pleasant surprises.
i'm on my best behaviour.luring you to perdition.
i'm aware.and await for e perfect timing for me to prey.
and to be able to seek enjoyment in more ways than one,
ooh what fun.
jubilance.
i need to be satisfied.e hunger in me keeps escalating.
e thirst drowns me n makes me crave for more.


one shopping spree is never enough.

when summer falls asleep
and winter plucks your strings
e colder that you get
makes you yearn for neglect
build it up, tear it up, throw it out
if i come round there now
wld you be pleased to see me
i wldn't make much noise
just whimper to myself
my head hurts more each time
e drinking strangles me
and these are e days without paracetemol.


e health hasnt been good these days.

i think e face is blacker than e shirt.



new postergirls for black polotees n diesel watches.




i love e leng this much!



loves of my life.


e above>> pics of tuesday's unsuccessful tanning session.


wednesday:eve of deepavali
which is equivalent to e whole of spore gathering at zouk.
maddening crowd!
all e sweatstained attempting to squeeze into e queues that were extended to e hotel so didnt suit e mood i had for e nite.
so headed to liquidroom.music was good but not for my mood.headed to lempicka at ms n that place was gorgeous.ever since i saw it being featured on hi-life,i always wanted to check that place out.lovely.and e music was superb as well.played e stupid drinking game of fivetens n lost miserably.no more sitting next to max cos his victorious achievement for e nite was to make me lose n drink.booze cures.and being boozed=lack of restraint n insanity.which was enjoyable.i like.always a first time for everything.


thursday:'e forgotten'
caught e show with johann whom i havent seen in ages.let me be a spolier n announce that my jaw is still intact.e show was not at all a jawdropper as it had promised.ending was blahlyblase.including aliens into e plot=not a gd idea.(i love being a spoiler.)cultivating e habit of reading too deeply in btw e lines,just as what i had done for 'e door in e floor' ,led me to ignore e smacked-in-e-face directly obvious.cant wait to catch 'birth'.looks damn interesting.
well of cos though i hadnt seen them for long, catching up with johann n with cillia later in e nite was a sooth to e soul.merely picked things off frm where we'd left them.no awkward discomfort of silences or strange vibes.love is all ard.


just now:trying to find something nice to buy but bought nothing.
yums.had yummy oreocheesecake with my dosage of caffeine at coffeeclub with max.followed by ice-cream.endorpins rejoice!now i know rum n raisin n durian do not complement each other at all esp when e rum is so strong.retail therapy isnt at all therapeutic if there's nothing for me to buy.just felt like getting a new piece of garment or decorative blingbling for e next clubbing session on wed.


i need to revamp e wardrobe.
i need to cross e borders n shop across e causeway.
rite now i just need to nurse e sore eye caused by e infected contact lens.


end of broadcast.

nothing's fine
i'm torn
i'm all out of faith
this is how i feel
i'm cold and i am shamed
lying naked on e floor
illusion never changed
into something real
i'm wide awake
and i can see
e perfect sky is torn
you're a little late
i'm already torn

wednesday's mambo session

before downing down shots of sexonthebeach and gulps of apricot brandy and alot of what nots:

vanniebaby and i in a preciousmoments-ish pose



my favorite ahlian and i being poseur


after downing down shots of sexonthebeach and gulps of apricot brandy and alot of what nots:

us with max.all dizzied up with tipsiness.


intense intoxication of liquer at zouk.
and ooh hardcore house at liquidroom afterwards.
been surrounded by too much trance and house these few days that i cldnt ctrl e tapping of my feet to e tiutiutiu music.
but only feet tapping.no other bodily movements produced cos e body cldnt coordination to e apparent rhythm n beat of e monotonous n repetitive tiutiutiu.
oh well..it really wasnt that bad though it wasnt e preferred source of audiopleasure.
being in e company of my pamperedpassions leng n van(iloveyou!) made e nite ohsolovely n definitely much talked abt.


that's all for updates.

this is the last time
that i will show my face
one last tender lie
and then i'm out of this place.

till tmr comes,
my motives move alongside with your illbred intentions.
e obvious will be visualized in such an indirect manner
that oblivion will be shown directly.

tear smears.
rose tinted coverage
fakes e glow which no longer radiates.


lacklustre lips.
painted by mac lipglass
e sheen and shimmer
an attempt to draw attention away frm e pale prosaic pout.


sore.
surrounding e almondhue
stains e vision.
despite its promised powers of lash lengthening/intensifying
e mascara fails to conceal
e stolidly stale stare projected by e saline-stained oculus.


dolled up to deceive.
a loungeact at its peak of perfection.


applause pls?


sin-covered in security
sheer smothering.
i'll let you do e deed.

you called yesterday
to basically say
that you care for me, but
that you're just not in love.
immediately, i pretended to be
feeling similarly
and led you to believe i was ok
to just walk away from e one thing
that's unyielding and sacred to me.


well i guess i'm trying to be
nonchalant abt it.
and i'm going to extremes
to prove i'm fine without you.
but in reality
i'm slowly losing my mind
underneath e guise of a smile
gradually i'm dying inside.
friends ask me how i feel
and i lie convincingly
cos i don't want to reveal
e fact that i'm suffering.
so i wear my disguise
till i go home at night
and turn down all the lights
and then i breakdown and cry.


e end.

flashbacktrack>>3yrs down memory lane.


one unbreezy evening, sillybaby and i decided to take a leisurely walk ard his estate after dinner. ooh yeah i'm so totally made for walking. i swear every singleinch of my body is celluliting so i rejoiced at e idea of toning and working thy calf muscles. so we walked e entire seletar estate- thru seletar hills/gardens/nim/mimosa/neram/other jalansomethings weirdsounding road names/and even came across to mr minister's hse. george yeo methinks. and there was an indian policeman sitting in his lil cove outside e hse. so poor thing la. e weather was unbearably unbearable. still n humid. only thing tt blew was nothing. sightings include wowing at suisui cars such as my alltime fave lexus(swoon...), SLKs, a supergorgeous nissanfairlady, porsches parked alongside beemers(7series to be precise) in e same hse(filthyfilthy rich cant freakin stand it!) and of cos nice big houses with gardens, whitepicketfences and doggies either running ard chasing their own tails or barking non stop by e gate (which reminds me of silly's stoopid dog who's jealous tt i have to share his owner with him and wants me dead i swear).


walkedwalked sweatsweat...


then came sad sighting..
tt seletar macs was demolished.
and all ard it. including e mkt, e oldish flats n e mamapapa shops which sell tidbits reminiscent of my childhood.
and tt evoked such a strong sadness within me.


it was where everything began;
was where my fave ppfrontman studied together for supps.
geog and econs to be exact.
underneath e posters of john lennon and e rest of his boys as decors.
was where when he told me tt my currentsqueeze wld be really blessed if he had me.
was where he told me tt he wldnt even introduce me to currentsqueeze(!elation!) if he didnt meet his thensqueeze who's suchabitch really.
was where i confided in ppfrontman tt i was doubting babytouringeurope's thenadvances.
tt were there mere honeycoated nothings or flavored somethings?
was where ppfrontman assured me tt my nowandthenbaby was serious abt me.
was where mybaby and i first held hands discreetly.
underneath e tables. without ppfrontman's knowledge.
was where mybelovedyingying pronounced n-i-n-e as neeneh instead of nine.
was where e four of us laughed at e stupidest things over happymeals.
such happy meals.
was where sillybaby n i studied n sneaked peeks at each other during our periods of greyish ambiguities.
as i'd refused to go to his place, knowing i'd breakaway frm my limitations.
was where sillybaby's mom n i bought 25 25cents ice-cream cones.
aha vanilla delights.


and e mkt was where we bought breakfast/lunch/dinner for his parents.
and seeing him chitchat with e hawkers cos they've practically seen him grow up.
which i bet was an attempt to get more ingredients and was a successful one.


so these significant landmarks are now nothing but empty landscapes.
prolly gonna build up some mightymall there.
which wld further escalate e prices of land n private estates in tt area.


so it is a goodbye to former serenity.
defunct.
but deeplymissed.

selfobessession at its peak.


loving oneself is e most vital immunity ammunition.
without this pride that you have in yourself,
wounds of weaknesses are exposed
allowing others to feast on your pain
and conquer e vulnerabilities.
till damage is beyond any salvation,
regrettting doesnt serve as an aid.


loving thy flawshortcomingsimperfectperfections.
loving thy strengthslongeivityperfectimperfections.
for saying that you care is nothing more than a shallow conceit

raise me up with falsetted acclaims

only to let me down in shame.

count on noone.

believe in none.


leng: iloveyou.
those tears that we've shed
werent meant for him for he does not deserve
e tears that ive shed n shared with you were out of heartache

for it hurts me so much to see you cry

and angers me to know that i cant reduce your pain

always here for you
willing to do anything in n out of my power for you.

anything.

i've got strong bones.
calcium in e bones.no worries bout osteoporosis.
milk it.
last night my entire palm was slammed clammed by e car door and it's still intact.
joreen's impact.
best of all, e car door actually shut tight.
with my hand in between.
awesom-O.
no bleeding. no broken bones.
just a protruding vein n a swelling cushion on e palm,
which in accordance to e palmistry book, reflects wealth.
just reminds me of how my leg slipped in to e hole in between e train n e platform 4yrs back.
and how my primary concern at that pt of time was not losing grip of my brand new jinxed sandals.
and how my bruise was blackish blue and how i pride having to encounter such an accident which SMRT wld prolly bribe my mouth shut frm e media.
and my only response to both e pain was laughing uncontrollably.
perhaps e pain triggered me off into a strangely unexplainable laughing misfit.
come to think of it, 'twas really hilarioushaha.


pain pleasures me

more birthday shoutouts n screamins.
happy birthday to....


elaine (22/9)

to e one on e right,(what an awesom-O pic i must say)
yingying, my graffiti guru with meenared mannerisms. so very special to me.
so blessed to have you in my life.
appreciate all you've done for me.
thank you for not forsaking me thru e yrs.


lily(24/9)

oh gosh this is such an ancient picture but this is e only one that i can get hold of with us in it.
those were e days werent they?
i love you lily dear.
happy 'stewardessing'.
you know what i mean. *winks.


wen(24/9)

'grandson' of khong guan.
do brush up n learn more ah-du songs yeah. ktving isnt all that exciting if we were to bang our heads to sum41's fat lip all e time.
more sultana biscuits when you return?
will nv forget you offering me a hand when i slipped n fell at castle green's gents after sneaking in for a suana.
will try to forget you laughing so damn loud while offering your act of kindness.


so manymany september babies.
and of cos, all pics above were specially chosen cos i look good in them.

Happy 19th Birthday my beloved Vanessa Cheryl Woo Shufen my baby waby.
i love you sweets and always will.
so glad that you enjoyed e surprise party that we had for you though you were pissed with me for a mo'.
anything at e expense of building up e ultimate climax for you.
willing to do aything for you baby.
still lovin' you even though you n leng spiked my soup with an extra dosage of tom yam paste.
still lovin' you even you didnt wear e party hat that leng n i made for you.
still lovin' you even though my birthday present which comes in e form of a white tube is still with you.
damn. if only we had time to play 'pin-e-tail-on-e-donkey' n drink our sparkling wine.
but nonetheless, e smile on your face made all efforts worth while.
many many many many many many many more birthday celebrations n surprise parties to come.
this i know for a fact.
i love you.

please, for hell's sake, be original.
i've been itching to get this out of me
and today my displeasures abt you will erupt
and i'll spit it right on your face.
i may be sourpussing for awhile.
but you're a FAKE and you have to live with that for e rest of your downtrodden life.
i feel shameful of your existence really.
a little extractions, here n there, to emphasize your pt is fine with me.
but to e extend of adopting my lingo as your own,
imitating my habits, my behavior, my mannerism, my style
whatever that distincts me n makes me special,
sickens me to a great extend.
it's blatant that you're perpetually altering your persona to be someone you're not.
trying oh so hard to be impressive, impressionable, imperial but my dear, i can see thru your veneers.
underneath it all, you're still e blase person that you are and you cant possibly deny your nature.
try as you might.
you wont make it big as a somebody or someone worth remembering.
you are easily forgotten.
a person void of substance.
essence so bland, yawn, what did you say again?
pay a price for your pathetic plagiarism.
but you cant afford it so i shall just forget abt it.
i feel sorry for you.
sympathize you.
look down upon you.
you're getting on my fucking nerves
and thats it. it's e end.
i'm plucking you out of my system. for good. forever.
don't hear frm me any longer.

hot. e weather i mean.



upandcoming postergirl for sports unillustrated.



i love me babies!



leng looks like a dragon here.rrrrr.



tanning on tues.
pics kindly abstracted frm vannie baby's camera. which was happily hogged by me.
e sun was glorious as usual. my back's tanner than my front and so is van's. leng developed a weird rash after showering with my shokobutsu.
soaking up e sun was good. but soaking up e sun with my darlingest girls n lunching at our table no 155 at seah im hawker centre makes june e happiest girl ever.




wed nite. in e cab to zouk.


oooh yeah dancin' in september.
as compared to newsroombar last sat which was such a farfarfar cry, whereby e music and crowd were blech n boring, mamboing was great after a 3mth hiatus.
liquer flowed aplenty.
and it was especially joyous when i had an extra lychee in my lychee martini.
when hot n sticky was stickier than usual.
when e samoka shot inflammed e tongue.
when e company i was with dizzied me up with happiness.
drunk talkin is such a bad habit of mine.
sprouting nonsense which i cant otherwise take back.
but alas, e damage is already done.
and cant undo e disappointment which i've brought upon.


help! leng is singing hokkien songs n prancing ard as if she's in those scenic obiangdated music videos. help!